Sunday, March 18, 2018

Friendships

I've never been one to have a plethora of friends. In high school there were four of us that hung out all the time. I honestly cannot remember what happened with my friendship with those girls. I know the other three are still close. Two were sisters and the other actually married their brother. I've heard over the years that the girl I was in the same grade with and who was my best friend, does not like me. Again, I cannot remember why our friendship ended.

In college, I had four girls I hung out with. The one I was closest with said some things when Joey died that I've forgiven her for but, haven't forgotten. She's probably one of the most shadiest girls I've ever met. She will literally do anything to get with a guy. She may not be that way now but, she's just someone I don't want in my life. One of the other girls, was one of my best friends for years after college. It's been two or three years since we hung out last. We just didn't vibe that last night I saw her. I think we both needed a break from each other. A break that has now lasted two or three years. She's been with the same guy for 12 years and it's safe to say, I dislike him with every fiber of my being. It's hard for me to sit back and watch him treat my friend like shit.  It's even harder for me to sit back and watch her allow him to treat her like shit. Unfortunately, I would say he is much of the reason I have not tried reaching out. I'm not saying we've not all let a guy walk all over us and treat us like shit. Just not for 12 years. The third girl, I became close with when we met each other through our boyfriends. Years and years ago, we had a following out. She remembers the story one way and I remember it another. I have learned over the years that you can't discount how someone feels or how they remember something happening. We've both put the past behind us and she's currently one of my best friends. She's that friend you can call anytime of day and go lay in bed with her if you just need some girl time.  The fourth girl I became closer with when we started working together in 2005. Till this day, she's my absolute best friend. She's my sole mate. She probably understands me better than I understand myself. She knows me better than anyone. 

I've met a few girls over the years at work who I adore. They have husbands and kids and we just simply never hang out. I love them all dearly though.  

When Joey and I were together, we'd fight often about his acquaintances vs. his friends. I tried to tell him that all these people he hangs out with at the club are not his friends.

I need meaningful conversation and someone I can share everything with. I don't do small talk well. In high school I remember going to one party in four years. In college, I went to a few more but, they still were not a good time for me. I've tried hanging out with my sister's friends and my best friend's friends. I just don't connect with any of them. I've struggled over the years trying to differentiate between things I just simply don't enjoy and things I need to step out of my comfort zone for. I've decided that parties and group dinners are not for me. I sit there the whole trying to find someone to talk to (since I'm always by myself).  I sit there full of anxiety and counting down until I can appropriately cutout. I've done this several times and the anticipation and anxiety is simply not worth it for me. I'd much rather stay home in my onesie. 

My point in all of this, is that I don't just befriend anyone. If i invest my time in you, it's because I care. It's because I like you. When I started my new job in August 2017, there were several new girls for me to meet. There was one girl though, that I was instantly drawn to. She was hilarious and witty. If you can make me laugh, then I'm hooked.  I would talk to her everyday at work. We would talk at night on social media. We went to lunch and dinner a few times. I met her kids. We exchanged Christmas gifts. We both had the same mantra that if your friend does something that pissed you off, you tell her. If you're that good of friends, then you be honest, talk about it, and move on. 

A few weeks ago, something happened with this friend. She stopped responding to my texts, FB messages, FB comments, and became cold to me in person. I tried setting a lunch date with her so we could talk but, she wasn't available. Finally, after sleepless nights (literally), I texted her one morning and asked if she had time at work to come to my office so we could talk. She decided to respond via text. My thoughts are that if a friend is telling you she feels awkward around you and feels like something has changed, you'd march right up to her office and make things OK. That didn't happen.  After only 2 or 3 text messages, I went down to her desk to talk to her after work. It felt very cold to me and like I was bothering her. She brought up a few instances at work but, didn't point blank say it was something she was mad at me for. She threw a few jabs. I point blank told her that I felt things had changed. I asked if I did anything or, if someone said something about me to her. When I walked away from the conversation, I knew our friendship was over. Something had changed. After all the talks we had about being honest with each other, she was anything but that. I haven't spoken to her since. A few people have asked me what's going on (they must notice that we are not speaking). I simply say I don't know. I can't tell anyone what happened, because I don't know what happened. It's cost me sleep and anxiety. In life, I guess you just have to know when to let things be. I feel like I did what I could to talk to her and find out if I did something wrong. There's nothing more I feel I can do. It's sad because I don't invest my time in just anyone.