Sunday, September 10, 2017

Change of mind

Couple of weeks ago, I went to Half Price Books because I was running low on books at home. I always go straight to the memoir section. I'll first see if I can find any books on my Goodreads' list. Then I'll go through the books and if I think one looks good, I'll pull it up on Goodreads and see how many stars it has. When I looked up A Mother's Reckoning - Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy, it had over 4 stars. I didn't even read what the book was about. Anyone else do that? I kind of like opening a new book with no indication of what it's about. Sometimes it's a disappointing risk and sometimes it proves worth it as it did in this case. 

Much to my surprise, this book was written by Sue Klebold, the mother of Dylan Klebold who was one of the two kids that caused the Columbine High School massacre. I believe Sue did an excellent job conveying her grief while being respectful to the others involved. I hope those that were injured, or lost a loved one feel the same. Sue's story really touched me as well because I have personally spoken with a mother whose son caused a college murder - suicide here in Indiana. 

If you're one to sit back and judge a family like the Klebold's, I highly suggest reading Sue's book. Dylan wasn't a kid who grew up in an abusive home, lacked food or shelter, or love. In fact, he grew up with the complete opposite. His parents were also very anti-gun. What bothered me the most reading her story is that she had NO idea what Dylan was feeling or planning until six months after the incident when the police finally walked her through what Dylan and his friend had done. They also released Dylan's journals and videos he had made with his friend. She had no idea he was depressed and struggling with bullying at school. He had friends and participated in sports, and just three days prior to the massacre, he had gone to prom. His irritability and lack of communication was chalked up to him being a teenage boy. In fact, reading some of her stories, I related to him as a teenager. Teenagers are moody and are experiencing a million different hormones. I, too, would have just thought he was being a typical teenager. After hearing the details of Dylan's plan prior to the actual massacre, Sue and her husband, Tom found out that at least once, Dylan had weapons in their house. 

My point to this blog is that I relate it to the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why in that you never know what people are going through -- even when they are your kids. I have been a huge advocate of the series 13 Reasons Why. I don't think it glamorizes suicide at all. I think it is an honest depiction of what bullying can lead to. I think it can show anyone (including me who graduated high school 19 years ago what an asshole I probably was in school) what bullying can do to someone. Even the smallest words or actions can affect someone deeply. What Sue's book did change my mind about is this.

In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah is shown buying the razor blades she will use to slit her wrists and then Hannah is shown slitting her wrists and dying in a tub full of water. Because I am not eductated on this topic, Sue's book provided me with knowledge and information on what i did not realize could be very dangerous to some watching. She states that: 

"We know, without a doubt, that exposure to suicide or suicidal behavior can influence other vulnerable people to make an attempt. Over fifty studies worldwide have powerfully connected news coverage of suicides to an increased incidence of similar, or copycat suicides." 

It makes sense, right? How many copycats have there been with serial killers? This blew me away. It really made me think that if showing Hannah's suicide would prompt others to copy what she had done, then showing it was a mistake. Hannah's suicide was not by any means original. In fact, it was very unoriginal. Perhaps showing Hannah's suicide is just what that vulnerable person watching needed to see to move forward with their thought of suicide.  

I hope Sue's book brings awareness to these incidents that our Country continues to endure and to suicide. 

On April 20, 1999, 15 people lost their lives. 12 students and one teacher by murder, and two boys by suicide.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Brain fog

The last few weeks, I feel like I've been going through life in a fog. I feel mentally there while I'm at work, but then afterwards, I just zone out. Maybe it's from starting a new job. Physically, I haven't felt great either. I'm starting to keep a daily diary of how I'm feeling. I'm wondering if the pure exhaustion I had there for a week or so was PMS. I wasnt tired or sleepy. I was exhausted. I was in bed by 8:30 most nights. For the past two weeks I've literally had a headache everyday which is putting a hold on my working out. Not sure if it's allergies or PMS. The two days I did feel good, I worked out and then ended up with a migraine after. It's frustrating when I want to work out, but I can't. I know I could workout even though I have a headache, but it makes it worse and makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's just simply not worth it. My primary Doctor finally referred me to a GI specialist. While I haven't had the extreme chest pains I've had in the past, I still think I need to see specialist. I see him in November.

I'm frustrated too with my lack of weightloss. I know my eating habits are the biggest contributor to not losing weight. I look back at how long I've been busting my ass in the gym and compare that to the weightloss and it's just not adding up. It's not like I sit around eating Bon Bons every night. But I do like my Mexican food. I don't like cooking and meal planning just isn't my strongest attribute. My biggest problem is trying to find things to bring for lunch. I feel like the weekends are short enough and trying to add in meal prep stresses me out. I do know that I've gotten stronger since I started working out. I can feel the muscles in my legs from the stair stepper and I can definitely feel the muscles in my arms from lifting weights. They just aren't noticeable if you're looking at me. I'm not really one to care what people think about me. But, I get embarrassed when people know I go to the gym a lot and then they see me and I haven't lost much weight. I have a doctors appointment in October and I'm going to  talk to her about my medications. I know the medicine I take to help me sleep can cause extreme weight gain.  

The new job is going really well. Every single time I walk into MY office, I have a moment of gratitude. I cannot believe I have my own office and a door to shut. My boss is really nice and laid back. The firm treats us really well with cookouts and breakfasts. It's been so refreshing to work with attorneys who participate in their practice and provide insight and feedback. 

I was watching Life of Kylie last Sunday (don't judge me) and a friend of Kylie's mom's knew a girl who has Cystic Fibrosis and she's a big fan of Kylie's. Kylie and Jordyn surprise the girl by going to her house to hang out. I think the girl was roughly 12 years old and she was on oxygen. Kylie got into her car and started crying. At the end of the episode, they flashed the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's information on the screen. The awareness and exposure that Kylie's show provided for CF was amazing. It definitely surprised me when she said the girl had Cystic Fibrosis. It's like when I've watched Grey's Anatomy and they have a patient with Cysitc Fibrosis. It just throws you off-guard. 

I think about Joey everyday whether it's because I see or hear something that reminds me of him. Those thoughts are always brief. I know subconsciously though that the thought of Joey is with me more than I realize. If I step back and evaluate why I'm feeling the way I do, I can sometimes feel that it's because the loss of Joey is hidden deep down somewhere. More than anything, I just wonder what our relationship would be today if he were here. Would we still be best friends? Would we be married? Would he be married to someone else? 

I'm currently reading A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the Columbine shooters. I cannot wait to finish this book and then blog about it. The one chapter just may have changed my view on the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why. Hopefully, I'll finish it today and can start working on a blog post. 

My iPad is about to run out of juice and Jamison is insistent on sitting on my lap. So I guess I gotta wrap this up. 

Happy Caturday, everyone!