Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Have you ever had a kid ask you the meaning of a word and you know what it means, but you just don't know how to describe it? I'm no stranger to Googling the most simplest words just so that I can see a simple, clear-cut explanation of what it means.

For instance. I'm sure we all know what purpose means. It could be defined several ways depending on the use. If used as a noun, it means the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. If used as a verb, it means have as one's intention or objective. 

What gives you purpose? What makes you roll over, turn off the alarm clock, push back the sheets, and roll out of bed? Is it your spouse? Kids? Pets? Work? School?

The purpose of going to work is to make money to pay bills and eat. What's the purpose of life though? What's the reason for which we live? Is my purpose to get up 5 days a week to go to work, be surrounded by people I don't necessarily enjoy, and do a job that I don't necessarily dislike or love? Is my purpose to clean my house every weekend and do laundry?

For a lot of people, my guess is that their purpose is their children. When your children get older and move out, do you find a new purpose?

I need to find a purpose for getting up everyday. I need to find things to look forward to in life. I need to laugh and have fun.

Again, I ask. What gives you purpose?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

No One Knows Why Love Picks Some People and Not Others

Last night, I was watching The Holiday on Lifetime. There was a preview for a new movie with Meagan Goode. In the preview they said, "no one knows why love picks some people and not others." Uh, thanks, Lifetime. If that's not the most depressing thing I've heard.

Do I think that perhaps love is not in the cards for me? Absolutely. I think it often. I don't need to hear that love will find me when it's supposed to. Or, it'll happen when I least expect it. That's shit people say to make others feel better. It's like saying "everything happens for a reason" when something shitty happens. Those words might have worked when I was in my first year or two of being single. Not when I'm in my 11th year of being single. (No. I'm not exaggerating on the 11 years.)

You know those movies where the guy and girl fall in love and then one of them dies? It's the couples that have the greatest love, or they just met after years of searching. The first movie that comes to mind is A Walk to Remember. Mandy Moore and Chad Michael Murray (no relation to me) go to high school together.  Mandy is the nerd and Chad is the popular guy. They end up falling in love all while Mandy knows she's dying of cancer. Once Chad finds out, he stays with her to the end. In fact, they end up getting married.

I have thought that once I do find the love that I have been so desperately seeking, that maybe my time will be cut short by one of us dying like Mandy and Chad's.  Until recently, it had not dawned on me that this already happened to me. No, seriously. I just had this revelation within the past month or so. I have been meaning to blog about it, but it is a bit morbid. (This is the shit that runs through my mind.)  Maybe Joey was my one love and our time was cut short because he was sick. I realize him and I were not officially boyfriend and girlfriend when he passed away. However, he was my best friend and I will always carry him in my heart.

I just pray that if God does bring love into my life again, that I can enjoy it for years to come. I feel like all this waiting may lead me to something great and I don't want it taken away.

I will say this though. Dear Lifetime: I don't accept that love does not pick everyone. You're an asshole for saying that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Over Sensitive Ass

I so wish I was one of those people that could just brush shit off. I'm very sensitive and take everything personal. Here's a great article that talks about habits of highly sensitive people. This article explains me better than I could probably explain myself.

Being emotionally reactive is definitely something I don't like about myself. I can go from 1 to 100 in an instant all while telling myself it's not that serious. Telling myself to calm down, to not take things personally, and asking why I am so sensitive does not help at all. Deep breaths, Rachel.

I like to think that I am good at reading people. I definitely don't give respect to many and I adore few. I wish I would have kept a journal over the years where I work of all the times my requests or questions went unanswered. I would and still do to this day get physically upset at my emails going unanswered. I cannot handle being ignored. I am not talking about maybe a day or two. I'm talking unanswered forever. This caused me to lose respect for some (among other reasons). What's that quote - "It's not the job that people leave, it's the management." I have worked at 5 law firms and I can honestly say that I left 2 of those law firms because of management.

I could give a million examples of shit that has gone on, but what prompted this blog was the issue of our Christmas party. Over the years, we have gone out for our Christmas party. We have also had a Christmas party here at the office. The last couple of years, I was not able to go because I worked a second job. The one year, the party started at 8:00. I got off work at 8:00 and was not going to go to a party after working 12.5 hours. Last year, the party was on a night I worked as well. I thought it was odd that an office our size (three support staff and three attorneys) never coordinated a date for the party. But, I have to say, I didn't mind having to work. Life is too short to spend an evening with people who you just don't enjoy their company.

I thought it was odd that it's the second week in December and an email has not been sent yet about the Christmas party. I thought I had heard that one of the attorneys was going out of town, so I presumed that we wouldn't be having a party. However, I thought it would be common fucking courtesy that an email be sent explaining that because this attorney was going out of town (or for whatever reason), the office was not having a Christmas party this year. Like I said before, I've been here 6 years and there's always been a party.  Well today, I got my "courtesy" email. I was told that the receptionist would be taken to lunch and it would be ideal for me to grab the phones for a half hour and listen for clients. This email was sent less than 3 hours before this lunch was going to happen. Naturally, if I wasn't able to help out, the phones would be shut off and the office locked. After 6 years, this is how the Christmas party is going to play out? Mmm. OK.

I realize my attitude towards people at work is pretty shitty. It's warranted I feel. I've distanced myself from the others in this office due to them caring about themselves only and due to people not being mindful of others around them. You ever see those movies where a kid is bullied, but the teachers never see it? Then, in the middle of the hallway one day, the bullied snaps and hauls off and kicks the bully's ass? Of course every teacher, counselor, and even the principal see it. That's how I feel. I'm treated like shit and yet when I lose my cool (or refuse to be a team player) because as stated above, I'm highly sensitive and take shit too personally, then I look like the crazy one losing my shit.

Any tools you use for not letting things get to you? How do you cope with not being able to brush things off? Or, how are you able to brush things off? I'm open to suggestions.

Monday, December 12, 2016

To My 18 Year Old Self

I remember when International Business College came to my high school and talked about their programs in hopes to recruit students. I have no idea what drew me in to wanting to be a Paralegal. Wouldn't it be nice to go back and give your 18 year old self advice on choosing a career? My advice would be: 1. Depending on your personality, choose a career that either allows you to work with people, or that allows you to work alone. 3. Is there a demand for your job? 4. Research the average income for your job and especially within the area you'll be living.  5. Most importantly, choose something that you know you can live with every single day.

I remember back in high school (which I've recently calculated was 18 years ago), I swore I was going to move to Chicago, become a judge, and live in the condos on the lake. Along the way, I lost that ambition. Maybe reality set in and I just realized that I'd have to go to law school (I never wanted to do) which would be more student loans. Plus, the cost of living in Chicago is ridiculous not to mention the cost to live on the lake.

I know I'm not alone when I say come Sunday evening, I could break out in tears at the thought of having to go back to work on Monday. I don't know that I necessarily dislike my job, but I don't love it either. When I was little, I wanted to be a teacher.  At one time, I was obsessed with killer whales and wanted to be a marine biologist, or a trainer at Sea World. 

If I had to pick my dream job now, I would be a professional organizer or a writer. Not a book writer. I'd be a blogger or columnist for an online site. I would definitely be my own boss and have the ability to work from home. 

I know it's life and we have to work (accept for those few asshats that don't). It's just unfortunate that so much of our lives is spent doing something we don't like. In my case I struggle more with spending so much of my time with people I don't like. 

am 37 years old so I've got a good 28 years or so left to work. Unless of course, I meet a rich man and then don't have to work. 

Can I be a paralegal another 28 years?

Monday, December 5, 2016

be mindful

Almost two years ago, I discovered The Untethered Soul. This book introduced me to mindfulness. A few weeks ago, I picked up Calming Your Anxious Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You From Anxiety. I'm hoping this book can help me with the meditation process. I'll keep you posted on that. The first time I tried it, I wasn't a fan.

When my mind is going a million miles a minute, I try to remind myself to mindful of what I'm thinking about and dial it back in. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does along with taking a deep breath. I really want to work on being mindful of the present. I am always so focused on the next minute and the next day, that I don't think I am ever really present in the moment.

A while ago, I got happiness and gratitude tattooed on my arm as a reminder to be grateful everyday and that happiness is not a destination, but a journey. Over the weekend, I got an arrow tattooed on my arm with the saying "be mindful." Hopefully, this will be a great reminder for me as well.

Check it out...(Sorry for the glare. It's got a saran wrap type cover on it.)