Yesterday, I attended a showing for a young man who lost his life to CFRD (CF Related Diabetes). I had met his dad years ago when doing the Great Strides Walk. When I got to the showing, two of the woman from the CF office in Indy were just leaving. How great of them to drive up for the showing? We got to talking and I told them I had a reoccurring dream about Joey. They said I should try to figure out what it means. I've always told myself that even though the reoccurring dream is not necessarily a happy one, at least I get to see Joey every so often in my dreams. But, the more I've been thinking about it over the last few days, the more it's been bothering me. If I haven't mentioned it before, or if you haven't read about it before, the dream is always the same concept. I somehow come to find out that Joey is alive (and I'm not sure that's even the right word). He's always very sick. He either won't answer my calls or texts and when I try to see him he blows me off. I always have this deep desire to be with him, but he doesn't want to see me. The dream never has an ending. Never.
I have no idea what this means. The only thing I can come up with is that perhaps I feel guilty for not being there more when he got really sick. While I was reading back through my blogs, I found one titled "Sleepless in Fort Wayne." I remember writing that from my computer desk in my apartment. Joey was really sick and was on a ventilator. In that blog I ask if he wonders why I'm not there. I had always tried to be there as often as I could. I don't think I feel guilty about not being there in his final days. I was there when he passed away. But, maybe my subconscious feels differently. If I wrote that blog years ago when he was still alive, maybe deep down I do feel bad for not being there more. I honestly don't know.
I miss him so much today it hurts. It's so hard for me to cry because I'm truly afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop.
I went back and looked through some old photos of us tonight and I can't look him in the eyes in the pictures. It hurts too much. When I look at the pictures, I feel both happiness and sadness. There is a lot of hurt for me in those photos. I see someone who I loved deeply, but also someone who I fought with often because he would prefer to be at the club than with me. Even though Joey and I were together, a lot of times, I still felt alone. Either because he was in the hospital, or because he was out at the club. I am a different person than I was 11 years ago when Joey and I were together. I don't remember ever not wanting to be with Joey because he was sick. We fought because he wanted to be out all the time. I just hope I never ever ever made him feel like I didn't want to be with him because he was sick. I also hope he knows that I loved him then and I love him now. If he ever felt like I wasn't there for him, I'm sorry. I did the best that I knew how then.