Wednesday, September 28, 2016

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal.

In January, I started taking boxing classes with a trainer. I have wanted to do boxing for as long as I can remember. I don't think most people took me seriously. I am the epitome of laziness. After boxing for roughly five months, I decided that I wanted to get to the gym more than just one day a week. I needed to get stronger. Now, my plan is to go to the gym every night after work. There are weeks where I go four nights and there are weeks I only go two nights. Usually, those slacker weeks are because I've started my period. Now that I have been going more, I absolutely love it. Yes, there are days I go and I really don't want to be there. One thing is for sure. You never regret going to the gym.

When I first started going, I noticed this stair stepper that I said on multiple occasions you could not pay to do. Check out this monstrosity of a machine.


I could tell when I was boxing, my arms were getting stronger from lifting weights. Now my legs clearly needed some work. Just walking on the treadmill was not cutting it. I tried a few leg machines, but a few of them killed my knee. One day, I finally decided to try the death trap/stair stepper. The first day, I told myself I would do just 5 minutes. I knew I wouldn't be able to do more than that. I was right, because I lasted 3 minutes. I was still proud of myself for trying something new. Everyday, I added a minute. I hit my goal of 10 minutes. Which by the way, is roughly 300 steps. I talked with my trainer and asked if I should increase the speed, or the minutes. She said minutes -- get to 20 minutes she said. Last week, I increased a minute each day. Since I slacked last week, I only got up to 12 minutes. Monday, I went and my plan was to do 13 minutes. For some reason, I kept going and I hit my goal of 20 minutes! I couldn't believe it. I did it again yesterday (615 steps!).


When I left the gym on Monday, I was so proud of myself and happy that I had reached what at one time I thought was an impossible goal.

Yesterday, I read this on Facebook...


While I am patting myself on the back for my accomplishments in the gym, I find comfort in reading that if I continue to set goals, it will become a source of happiness for me. My blog after all is called Happiness is not a destination, but a journey. While shopping for things such as clothes, purses, jewelry, and now my new found obsession lip stick/gloss does make me happy, it's short lived. Finding happiness in people just hasn't worked for me over the years.

My new goal is to increase my speed on the stair stepper and get back to 20 minutes.

What goals do you have?

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Joey

Earlier this week I had another one of my dreams about Joey. I just went back and read through my blogs to see how often I've talked about this. I think the first post I found I was in 2011.

Yesterday, I attended a showing for a young man who lost his life to CFRD (CF Related Diabetes). I had met his dad years ago when doing the Great Strides Walk. When I got to the showing, two of the woman from the CF office in Indy were just leaving. How great of them to drive up for the showing? We got to talking and I told them I had a reoccurring dream about Joey. They said I should try to figure out what it means. I've always told myself that even though the reoccurring dream is not necessarily a happy one, at least I get to see Joey every so often in my dreams. But, the more I've been thinking about it over the last few days, the more it's been bothering me. If I haven't mentioned it before, or if you haven't read about it before, the dream is always the same concept. I somehow come to find out that Joey is alive (and I'm not sure that's even the right word). He's always very sick. He either won't answer my calls or texts and when I try to see him he blows me off. I always have this deep desire to be with him, but he doesn't want to see me. The dream never has an ending. Never. 

I have no idea what this means. The only thing I can come up with is that perhaps I feel guilty for not being there more when he got really sick. While I was reading back through my blogs, I found one titled "Sleepless in Fort Wayne." I remember writing that from my computer desk in my apartment. Joey was really sick and was on a ventilator. In that blog I ask if he wonders why I'm not there. I had always tried to be there as often as I could. I don't think I feel guilty about not being there in his final days. I was there when he passed away. But, maybe my subconscious feels differently. If I wrote that blog years ago when he was still alive, maybe deep down I do feel bad for not being there more. I honestly don't know. 

I miss him so much today it hurts. It's so hard for me to cry because I'm truly afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop. 

I went back and looked through some old photos of us tonight and I can't look him in the eyes in the pictures. It hurts too much. When I look at the pictures, I feel both happiness and sadness. There is a lot of hurt for me in those photos. I see someone who I loved deeply, but also someone who I fought with often because he would prefer to be at the club than with me. Even though Joey and I were together, a lot of times, I still felt alone. Either because he was in the hospital, or because he was out at the club. I am a different person than I was 11 years ago when Joey and I were together. I don't remember ever not wanting to be with Joey because he was sick. We fought because he wanted to be out all the time. I just hope I never ever ever made him feel like I didn't want to be with him because he was sick. I also hope he knows that I loved him then and I love him now. If he ever felt like I wasn't there for him, I'm sorry. I did the best that I knew how then. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Follow-up

This is a follow-up to the Loneliness post I wrote yesterday.  An article popped up on my Facebook timeline titled "You will find love the day you finally stop searching for it." Here's the link.  

Telling someone who has been single for over 10 years that they'll find love once they stop searching for it is like telling someone with anxiety to just calm down. In both of these cases, I can assure you that saying this does not help. Of course, in 10 years I have thought about finding love. Some days more than others as I stated yesterday in my post. There are times that I don't think about it at all. Is it exhausting and frustrating to constantly wonder if every guy I meet is the 'one?' Absolutely. I think when you've been single over 10 years and are 37 years old as I am, you can't help but wonder if he is the 'one.' That doesn't mean that I am trying on wedding dresses or picking out a ring after the first date.

Now some of the article I do agree with. I do agree that it'll happen when it's supposed and that it will be unexpected. But, isn't that the case for just about everything in life?

I already know why it didn't work out with previous guys. I think once you step back and assess the relationship, it's quite obvious. That doesn't mean that there are some guys that I hoped it would have worked out with. But, I can identify why it didn't.

I 110% agree that all this time I have been single, it's allowed me to focus on myself and grow. I guess what bothers me about some of this is that I can understand if someone was saying this to me, or I was reading this article after only having been single a few months or a year. I have been single for over 10 years. I mean how much personal development and life growth does one person need? That's why I keep saying God must not think I am done growing or learning what He is trying to teach me.

If I had to guess, God doesn't think I am done learning how to love myself and to stop being so self-critical of my thoughts and feelings. That is why I am in therapy. I struggle so much with whether or not my thoughts and feelings are normal. What is normal?

In short, I do agree with much of the article. It's just not feasible to not be looking for love when you have been single as long as I have. It's always going to be in the back of my mind. Always.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Loneliness

Friday night, I went to dinner and to the mall with my two older nieces. Afterwards, we were sitting at my house and Morgan asked me if I ever get scared staying home alone. She had stayed there a few nights while I was in California and that's why she was asking me. One of them proceeded to ask me if I ever get lonely and the other followed up saying they would get lonely being home alone all the time.

Last year I was having dinner with my friend April and her daughter before heading to see the final movie in The Hunger Games series. At dinner, April's daughter says that Katniss reminds her of me. She said, we looked a like and we both liked being by alone.

I realize this is the perception I give and thus what people see. Yes, I like my alone time and yes, I like living alone. Do I get lonely? Absolutely. But, not in the way that I need to be around people in general. I don't crave human interaction with just anyone. I can always go hang out with family. I crave the interaction with a man and not physical, but emotional.  I go through spurts where the feeling of loneliness is so consuming, exhausting, and close to debilitating. This past week has been one of those spurts. Being single is on my mind 24/7. I've heard and read all the quotes (so don't start preaching).  When you stop looking that's when it'll happen. It'll happen when it's supposed to. Blah blah blah. There are definitely times when I don't think about it at all. I can't tell you how grateful I am for those days/weeks/months. It's so refreshing.

Despite my tears and prayers, God obviously has a plan for me. I often question though if he's trying to send me a message that I'm just not picking up on. Maybe there's something he's trying to teach me and I just haven't learned yet.

I do wish I had more girlfriends to hang out with. I realize that it is probably my fault. It's hard for me to find a girlfriend that I truly enjoying hanging out with. A lot of times, if someone has a lot of drama going on in their life, I can't just let that be their drama. I allow it to become my drama and my problem. All of the girlfriends I do have, have kid(s) and boyfriends/husbands. During the school year, it's especially hard to hang out with my friends who have kids because their schedules are so full of homework and extracurricular activities.

Saturday, all I wanted to do was go to a bar, eat, and watch the Notre Dame game. So much so that I went to a local bar and did just that -- by myself. I watched the 2nd and 3rd quarter and ate a cheeseburger. Was it fun? Nope. Not at all. In fact, doing things alone only makes me feel lonelier.

I have realized over the past 4 months that I am open to dating guys that I didn't think I would be.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

I can't think of a title for this blog

I've lived in Fort Wayne my whole life. My entire immediate family is here. I, myself, do not have children which would essentially make it that much easier for me to move anywhere I wanted. My best friend lives in California. My mom and step-dad wouldn't hesitant to move to Florida if it weren't for my grandma being here in a nursing home. My sister and her husband would move south, I believe to Texas. I'm not sure about my other sister or dad and step-mom. Despite always wanting to live in Chicago, I have never really thought about moving. I always tell people I couldn't move away from my family. However, most of my family wouldn't hesitate to move. Sometimes I wonder if that's just an excuse I use when in reality, I'm too scared to move. Or, perhaps too lazy. Ha! I've had people (men mostly) tell me over the years that I need to step outside my box. I need to step outside my comfort zone. Without fail, I get extremely defensive and upset during these conversations. Why? Is it because I am truly happy and content living in Fort Wayne and they just can't see it? Or, is it because somewhere deep down I know they're right. I truly do not know the answer to this question. Maybe because multiple people have said this to me, I am starting to believe them.

Someone said to me today they don't want to be on their death bed regretting the things they did not do. I don't want to be on my death bed looking back at how unhappy I was. Is that the same thing? Maybe if I stepped outside my box and comfort zone, I would surprisingly find happiness.

I need to call my therapist tomorrow.

California (9/1-9/6)

I just got back from an amazing trip to California to visit my BFFF. Lots of sunshine which is evident by my sunburn and peeling. But, so worth it!



The first day, we went straight to Yolanda's which is this amazing Mexican restaurant. Not to mention the view isn't too shabby. 



Later that evening, we went to the beach and walked in the sand and watched the sunset. The weather there is my perfection. No a.c. needed and no humidity! 






The second day we went kayaking and to the beach (I got burnt). OH EM GEE! Most amazing experience ever. Pictures nor words can explain how peaceful and beautiful it was.





We even got to see seals sunbathing! 



The third day, we had lunch at Sea Fresh. Again, the view was amazing. 


had jumbo shrimp cocktail and fish tacos. 




After lunch, we went kayaking again. The kayaks were uber uncomfortable at this place, the water was a little more rough, and the channel was super busy so we didn't stay out as long. But, still beautiful.  


After kayaking, we went to a bar and sat on the patio. I had cheesecake and Stacia had beer. Ha!


The view from the bar was of course amazing. 


That night, we went to the pier. Lots of fisherman...


...and, endless ocean. Again, pictures can't capture the beauty or the smell of the ocean. 



The fourth day, Stacia drove us to Santa Barbara to eat lunch. I had halibut tacos. These were so good. 


This was the view in Santa Barbara during lunch. 




The beach in Santa Barbara... 


After lunch we stopped and got Pinkberry. I don't even love ice cream, but Pinkberry is the most magical thing ever. 


Notre Dame was playing their first game of the season later that evening, so we went to The Yardhouse and watched the game. After sitting there for four hours, you get hungry again and order sweet potato fries. 



I know it's weird to sit in a bar and watch football on vacation, but this was actually one of my favorite things. Sitting at a bar with Stacia is what we do. We had fun and the bartenders were all super nice. 

The last day, we went back to the beach. We took a walk down the shore so I could look at the houses. 











For my last night, we went back to the pier to watch the sunset. These photos are amazing. No filters either. 








AMAZING, RIGHT? Views like this make me ask myself why I live in Indiana and not in California.

Here's a few random pictures. 



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