While I did enjoy Paige's Crossing, the fireworks, and breakfast, I just can't help but think of all the other things I would have liked to do if I had someone to do with them and that has left me feeling extremely ungrateful AND lonely. I would have went to surrounding counties and watched fireworks, went to a baseball game, and had bonfires. Yes, I can do those things by myself, but who wants to? I had a bonfire a few weekends ago by myself and let me say, the conversation was pretty one sided. HA!
I know people say "it'll happen when it's supposed to," "be patient," "don't force it," "it'll happen when you least expect it," "enjoy your me time," and so many others. While I DO believe those statements and I DO enjoy my me time, it's still hard. I have had 10.5 years of me time. I can't help but wonder what God is waiting for. Maybe the right guy isn't ready for me yet or available? I can't help but think it's something to do with me though. That God is trying to send me a message that in 10.5 years I just haven't received yet. It leads me to think maybe God thinks I'm ungrateful. I am extremely grateful for my family. I am grateful to have a job; albeit one that causes me great stress and anxiety, but having been unemployed before, I will forever and always be grateful for any job I have. Every single day when I wake up, I look around and couldn't be more grateful for having this beautiful house. Every time I leave and come home, I walk in from the garage and am grateful. Not exaggerating either on that part. I really do walk into my house and think how much I love my house and am grateful for being able to have a home. I am grateful for my hooligans Jamison and Amelya. Today, I am grateful for the sun finally shining!
So, I ask. Does it make me ungrateful that as I type all of the things I am grateful for, in the back of my mind, there's a constant nagging ungratefulness that wishes I had someone to share my life with? Every bonfire, birthday, firework show, ice cream craving, holiday, and long weekend turns into me wondering what life would be like with someone by my side to have bonfires with and go get ice cream. What scares the shit out of me is that next year and the year after, I'll be writing a similar blog as I am now and have in the past.
Dear God: It's me, Rachel. Perhaps you could leave me a note on the fridge?