Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Dear God: It's me, Rachel.

was off the weekend and then took Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off for the 4th and my birthday. During my five days off, my plans were to go to the water park on Sunday with my family and boxing and fireworks on Monday. The weekend consisted of temperatures in the 60's and 70's and NO sun. Sunday we opted out of the water park due to the cold JULY temps. We decided on go carts and putt-putt at Paige's Crossing. My parents, my sister, her husband, and the kids all went. We had a good time. Especially, watching my step dad fish his ball out of the water. Afterwards, we went to dinner at Cebolla's. Monday, I woke up and the last thing I wanted to do was go to boxing and make my head worse. I had some type of headache/migraine all weekend. I texted my trainer at 10 and told her I was canceling. She told me she'd still have to charge me for my session. Fucking super. I laid in bed and slept off and on until 2 o'clock. I didn't do anything until I showered and met my sister and the kids downtown for the fireworks. Again, very gloomy weather. Normally, gloomy weather doesn't do much to me (like in the winter months), but in July when it's supposed to be all sunshine, it's been a real drag. For my birthday, I had breakfast with my dad which was really nice and then I was home the rest of the day. I decided to vacuum out my car and sweep out the garage. Of course, I got too hot and ended up with a migraine. I took a nap and that didn't help. Not sure why I've had so many migraines. I haven't had dairy and besides a little housework and vaccuming out my car, I hadn't worked out. Needless to say, my birthday was fucking awesome. [Insert sarcasm] Today is my last day off and my head feels better. I woke up, got coffee, did a few things around the house, laundry, and have just been relaxing on the couch. 

I think Jamison has enjoyed this staycation more than me. 

While I did enjoy Paige's Crossing, the fireworks, and breakfast, I just can't help but think of all the other things I would have liked to do if I had someone to do with them and that has left me feeling extremely ungrateful AND lonely. I would have went to surrounding counties and watched fireworks, went to a baseball game, and had bonfires. Yes, I can do those things by myself, but who wants to? I had a bonfire a few weekends ago by myself and let me say, the conversation was pretty one sided. HA!  

I know people say "it'll happen when it's supposed to," "be patient," "don't force it," "it'll happen when you least expect it," "enjoy your me time," and so many others. While I DO believe those statements and I DO enjoy my me time, it's still hard. I have had 10.5 years of me time. I can't help but wonder what God is waiting for. Maybe the right guy isn't ready for me yet or available? I can't help but think it's something to do with me though. That God is trying to send me a message that in 10.5 years I just haven't received yet. It leads me to think maybe God thinks I'm ungrateful. I am extremely grateful for my family. I am grateful to have a job; albeit one that causes me great stress and anxiety, but having been unemployed before, I will forever and always be grateful for any job I have. Every single day when I wake up, I look around and couldn't be more grateful for having this beautiful house. Every time I leave and come home, I walk in from the garage and am grateful. Not exaggerating either on that part. I really do walk into my house and think how much I love my house and am grateful for being able to have a home. I am grateful for my hooligans Jamison and Amelya. Today, I am grateful for the sun finally shining! 

So, I ask. Does it make me ungrateful that as I type all of the things I am grateful for, in the back of my mind, there's a constant nagging ungratefulness that wishes I had someone to share my life with? Every bonfire, birthday, firework show, ice cream craving, holiday, and long weekend turns into me wondering what life would be like with someone by my side to have bonfires with and go get ice cream. What scares the shit out of me is that next year and the year after, I'll be writing a similar blog as I am now and have in the past.

Dear God: It's me, Rachel. Perhaps you could leave me a note on the fridge?

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