Friday, May 20, 2016

I'm a mess, but really who isn't?

I worked two jobs for 2.5 years. My second job was pretty perfect. I worked three nights a week for 2.5 hours each night. Most of my nights were spent watching TV on my iPad and reading. Because I sat upstairs away from customers, I had the freedom to do really whatever I wanted. Recently, I'd been itching to quit. It wasn't that anything changed with the job. In fact, I didn't mind the job, or the company. I just wanted to be home more. The days I worked both jobs, I would leave my house at 7:30 a.m. and not get home until 8:15 p.m. Definitely, made for a long day. Some finances of mine were changing, which was going to give me some extra money each month. After debating for a few weeks, I finally put in my two week notice. After putting in my notice, I found out that not one, but two of the pharmaceutical companies that I was getting assistance from had denied my applications because I make to much money. Not sure how these companies come up with their income brackets.  Even quitting my second job wasn't going to put me back in the correct bracket. Cue anxiety because I just quit my second job. Is it possible to call my employer and ask to renege my resignation? How stupid would I look? Very.

The main reason I wanted to quit my second job was not to go home and sit on my ass, but to start going to the gym more. I had started taking boxing lessons on Wednesday evenings and was itching to go to the gym more.  Monday was my first night off. I was going to work and then go straight home and enjoy my night. It was anything but enjoyable. It's not that anything bad happened. It was just all mental. My anxiety was in full swing. I went home and binged watched more episodes of the HBO series Girls. I felt lazy and was terrified that now I had more time (as if I needed more) to sit in my thoughts. What had I just done quitting my second job? I don't have kids. I'm not married. What do I possibly need more time for? I just kept telling myself, you're going to the gym. That's why you quit. Tuesday evening, I met Jessica over at the gym and we took a kickboxing class. I didn't like it at all. But, I promised her I'd keep going. On Wednesday, I had my boxing lesson. Thursday, I went and got on the treadmill. I warmed up for five minutes and then I would walk for 30 seconds and run for 30 seconds. I finished off 20 minutes of that with a two minute run. I know that doesn't seem like much, but coming from someone who has never worked out three nights in a row and doesn't run, I was feeling great. In fact, the only reason I really stopped was because I was so hot. I wasn't even tired. Just hot! I ended up walking to wrap up an hour session on the treadmill (almost 3 miles). Apparently, when your heart is beating out of your chest from anxiety, your adrenaline allows you to work out longer. I've had some serious ants in my pants in this week.

A lot of my anxiety stems from work. I feel like I'm constantly on guard. I think it was last Tuesday, I left work and was walking to my car, got to my car, and I'm not going to sugar coat it -- I was having a panic attack. If I had been in a movie, someone would have handed me a paper bag to breathe into. I don't recall anything out of the ordinary happening that day. I just simply couldn't catch my breath. It took me a few minutes and I eventually calmed down.

I just keep thinking back to when I was in my 20's and I didn't have these problems. The sound of the copier lid slamming down at work didn't send me into a tailspin. My heart didn't feel like it was going to beat out of my chest from anxiety. I wish I could get to the root of what has caused this change.

Despite all of this, I am SO excited to be going to the gym more. I honestly never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I now understand what Khloe Kardashian meant when she said she used the gym as an escape from everything. Even if it's just an hour a day, that hour while I'm at the gym may be the best I've felt all day.