Thursday, March 17, 2016

The Dark Side

I find myself at times disappearing and when I come back I don't recognize who I was at that moment. In most cases, it's when I'm being attacked verbally. I remember when I worked for this woman attorney, and she started blaming me for a hearing not being taken off the court's calendar. I had done my job and the Court did not. I went into her office and I can't even say we got into a screaming match because it was mostly me yelling. I was so pissed off at her for blaming something on me that wasn't my fault (which I feel she did often). I remember after wards going into the office manager's office and telling her I had no idea what had just happened. The attorney thought I went in there to save my ass. But, in truth, I went in there because again, I had no clue what just happened. 

Over the years, I've found myself going to that dark side. I get very worked up about things and find myself escalating from 0 to 100 on the crazy scale very quickly. When I calm down, I think to myself what the hell just happened? 

What bothers me about this, is that I like to take pride in knowing I have balls. That I am capable of standing up for myself. In my work, I have to remind myself daily that I've been a paralegal for 15 years and that I do, in fact, know what I'm doing. Both of these topics (finding my balls and giving myself credit for my knowledge) I have blogged about before.

Today, I found myself going to that dark side. I was in an unexpected meeting with a client. A client that I don't feel comfortable meeting with because of how I am treated. But, my boss was unable to do it. Within two to three minutes, I was being attacked. I was told that I showed up for the meeting unprepared and that among other things, I was back tracking. I immediately shut down. I decided right then that I was not going to argue with this client and that I was walking out. I stacked the files up and told this client that I would be back. I walked out, let the door slam, and went into my boss's office. I told him what happened and that I was not dealing with it. I followed my boss back to the conference room and let him go in while I stood outside. I looked down and my hands were shaking. In those three minutes of stacking up those files, walking out, and down the hallway to my boss's office, I went to the dark side. 

I went back to my desk and sat down and thought what the fuck just happened? Why do I let this client speak to me that way? All it is is pure ignorance and the way this person treats me is never going to change. My boss came out of the meeting and I said, "I'm sorry. I just can't handle that. I immediately shut down." He said, there was no need for me to apologize and that I don't deserve to be treated like that.

I know it's not unusual for someone to shut down if they're being attacked. I just want for myself to learn how to deal with it better. However, I do not adhere to the theory that the customer is always right. Never have. Therefore, I think for me to stand up for myself would be to prove them wrong. Ha! Although, I know that's technically not true. 

And, I thought I was running out of things to talk to my therapist about. I'm just getting started.

Monday, March 7, 2016

Independent Women

An article popped up on my Facebook page titled Reasons Why Independent Women Need Someone to Love. Wait. What? Doesn't everyone need love? I admit, the article itself provided a good list. BUT, why is there this misconception that if a woman is independent, she doesn't need love in her life? It's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard quite honestly. I had a guy tell me once that men date down. That men want to feel superior in the relationship. Just because I have my own house, car, and two jobs does NOT mean I don't want or need love in my life. A man can still take care of me, it just doesn't have to be financially. Men, if you think you will be inferior to a woman just because she can financially take care of herself, here's a list of other things you can do for us:

  • To encourage us and convince us every now and then to evolve and get better
  • To share with us the facts we often cannot see
  • To give us a different perspective of the decisions we are about to make or made in the past
  • To tell us we are not alone
  • To open the door with a smile on their face when we come home
  • To make our home feel like home
  • To walk us home when we are not strong enough to walk
  • To ask us about our doubts and clear them
  • To make us feel good
  • To tell us we are strong and they love us just like that
  • To zip us and unzip us
  • To help us decide between chocolate and vanilla
  • To not tell us we will get fat when we eat the whole meal in seconds
  • To look at us and appreciate our presence silently
  • To travel with us and make the experience worthwhile
  • To share a large pizza with us (AND, to order the pizza. I strongly dislike ordering pizza)
  • To treat us well and respect other women too
  • To call us out to admit something we have been ignoring for a long time
  • To laugh with us at ourselves
  • To be comfortable with them, enough to do all kinds of silly things
  • To ask them to help us out
  • To fall asleep with them
  • To wake up beside them every morning
  • To share an apartment with them and every other possession
  • To spend holidays together
  • To help us fix stuff that we don’t know how to fix
  • To give us examples and predict the results of situations we are stepping in
  • To let us be weak and vulnerable without judging us
  • To love us when are not being loveable
  • To understand why we are being unlovable
  • To not force their presence upon us but to make sure we will always have their support
  • To share with us their life so that we know how differently independent they are
  • To sit with us and drink at the end of a long day
  • To tell us we have something between our teeth
  • To help us decide what we should wear on the big day
  • To help us with grocery shopping
  • To help us decide if someone is actually being a jerk or not
  • To be our mirror and tell us what we lack and what we possess more than enough
  • To be our reality check
  • To remind us every now and then that fairytales are not real
  • To encourage us to take stand for ourselves
  • To not consider us a maniac for shouting when we are angry
  • To understand that women can be equally stressed as men
  • To understand that we do not cry all the time
  • To accept the fact our professionalism can be better than men’s at times
  • To appreciate our independence and never judge it
  • To anticipate what we need when all we want to do is jump in bed and cry all night
  • And lastly, to be there for us. 
Being independent should be looked at as a good thing. I truly believe that my independence has made it even harder for me to find someone. I really do believe it scares men off. Quite honestly, I don't want a man who can't appreciate my independence. 

Click here to read the full article.