Thursday, October 15, 2015

Open and Honest

I keep going back and forth between putting my thoughts and feelings out in my blog, or just writing it down for me only. Part of me feels like if I blog about it, then I'm actually getting my feelings out. 

After the way I've been feeling lately, I called and set up a therapy appointment which I had today.
At first I wasn't sure if I was going to mesh well with the therapist. I have been to therapy before and that woman wanted to talk about my life I felt like since the day I was born. This woman just jumped right in to why I was there. I ended up liking her. She had some good advice and seemed to understand me. She cussed too so that was a bonus. Ha!

I've also been emailing a few friends back and forth today. At some point though I just feel like I'm talking in circles and that they are running out of positive things to say. Or, perhaps just tired of telling me the same things over and over again. Hell, I'm tired of having the same damn conversation over and over again.

So, yesterday, I woke up to news that NBA star, Lamar Odom was found unconscious in a brothel. OK, first off, I had to Google what a brothel was and that's disgusting. But, to each his own. Lamar is a cocaine addict and then he had taken herbal Viagra and that put him into a coma. It's no secret that Lamar has suffered from drug addiction, depression, etc. He lost his mom and more recently, his best friend, and I believe a child as well long ago. My point in all of this is that mental illness is not a joke. I just keep thinking how much he was/is suffering. I have also been thinking a lot about Robin Williams and his suicide. I always thought people were selfish for committing suicide. How bad can it really be? I'm only guessing that the people who have committed suicide are feeling a thousand times worse than I am. But, in some way, I get it. You get so tired of feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and your mind just wanders all day. All you want is for the constant noise to stop. Just shut up for two minutes. The only time I get that peace, is when I'm sleeping.

Do I pray? Yes. I definitely think it takes practice though. I heard someone say that once and I thought they were nuts. I struggle with praying and asking God for help when there are people out there who are dying from cancer, losing someone to cancer, homeless, or can't put food on the table for their kids. I feel like God is laughing at me. What could I possibly need or want?

I know my unhappiness and anxiety comes from being alone. I know I've blogged about this before, but people say you can't make others happy until you're happy. The thing is that I'm not trying fulfill some part of me that I've been neglecting. I don't need to finish school, I don't need to learn how to take care of myself, I don't need to save up money to get an apartment or buy a house, I'm not trying to purchase my first car, and I'm not trying to find my dream job (btw, does such thing exist?). I don't need to do me. I've done me for 10 years. I've watched all the girly movies, I've watched trash reality TV, I've painted my nails, plucked my eyebrows, read my books, slept in the middle of the bed, kept my house the way I wanted it -- no tooth paste in the sink or water spots splattered on the mirror. So, I really struggle with this statement/comment.  I also know that someone isn't going to make me 100% happy. I realize I'm always going to struggle with depression and anxiety.

Till next time...

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