Thursday, May 22, 2014

Children of the Corn

Over the last two weeks, I've had not one, not two, but three people make comments to me about my not wanting children.  

People have told me over the years that I'll change my mind eventually. Especially when I was younger, people would tell me that all the time.  The only time I ever remember thinking I wish I had kids was when Joey passed away. I thought what if he and I would have had a kid together? Other than that, not one time do I recall wanting kids. A few of the more recent books I've read, the women in the stories mention their uterus's having some reaction to seeing children. I've never had such a reaction.  Ever.

I don't think in anyway does my not wanting to have children make me any less a woman. If I found a guy that had children, I would be 100% OK with that. Well, I take that back.  As long as he doesn't have 10 kids with 10 different baby mamas.  I would actually prefer he have children so that he doesn't want any with me. Unless, he's 100% sure he doesn't want children like me.

I've been around kids my whole life. When I was in middle school, there was a neighbor of ours that had three boys. I was at their house after school and on weekends helping take care of the boys. I did everything...fed them, changed diapers, bathed them, put them to bed... I was kinda like a nanny. I went on vacations with the family and was always right there helping out. I also babysat for a family member of theirs and a few other neighbors of ours.

It's not like I don't know anything about kids.  I know a lot actually. I'm always taking my nieces and nephews places and I like having my friends' kids around. Kids are actually quite funny.  They can always make you laugh.

I've had a good life. But, I've struggled for years to be happy with my life. Happiness is not a destination I've learned, but a journey. I'm hoping my journey leads me to love and being able to enjoy my life.  Someone said to me the other day that I might find happiness if I did have kids.  All I can say is that I don't believe having children for me would make me happy.  I can't describe necessarily into words why I don't want children.  I just know that I don't.

Everyone has opinions about my not wanting children.  But, don't you worry. I have plenty of my own opinions about your wanting children.

Even though it's 2014, there are still clearly a lot of people out there that think having children is what a woman does. Guess what? I don't like to cook either.

All I ask is that you don't judge me for not wanting to have children.  And, I'll try not to judge you for wanting to have a Brady Bunch. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

April

I get ideas I want to blog about. But, sometimes I'm not quite sure what exactly I want to say. Or, sometimes I have thoughts running through my mind and blogging helps to get it out of my head. Though sometimes too, those thoughts and feelings subside and I'm thankful I didn't blog about it.  In this instance, I think I'm scared to admit what I wasn't thinking or feeling. Why address feelings and/or thoughts you initially did not have?

As most of you know, Joey passed away on April 30th in 2008. The month of April also consists of Joey's nieces' birthdays (April 15th and April 20th) and our anniversary of the day we met at Piere's (April 18th). For the past six years, I have come to dread the month of April. I am just in a bad mood and down. While the birthdays are something to celebrate, they do make me sad because these two nieces in particular are the ones that were born when Joey and I first met, so I came to know them very well.  I don't usually think much about the day that Joey died, but for some reason when April 30th rolls around, I replay the whole day in my head. That I have blogged about and you can read it here (three years).

April 1st rolled around this year and I didn't wake up feeling how I normally would have. I thought perhaps it was because I had my trip to California to look forward to.  When the 15th rolled around, I actually forgot about the birthday.  On the 18th, I was in California. I thought about our anniversary maybe once or twice, but I didn't dwell on it. The 20th rolled around and I did remember that birthday.

Then came the 30th. I remember waking up for work and I didn't realize what day it was until either I saw it on my phone or my watch. But, I got this overwhelming feeling -- relief that I wasn't dwelling on the day and guilt that I wasn't dwelling on the day. I got through most of the day without thinking much about it. At one point, my sister even texted me and asked how I was doing. I texted her and said surprisingly well. Again, guilt set in.

So, what does this mean? Is my grieving over? How will I feel next year?

What I do know is that I think about Joey everyday. I think about him interacting with new friends I've made. I think about what our relationship might be if he were still here. I wonder how he'd be feeling if he were still here. I think about him interacting with the nieces and nephews he didn't get to meet and how much they are missing out not knowing him.

I would much rather have these thoughts and feelings than those of being sad and replaying probably the worst day of my life. I just don't want Joey to ever think that I've forgotten about him.

I guess that's why our t-shirts say "Always Loved, Never Forgotten."