Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Change of Pace

Over the years, I've definitely programmed myself to hide my feelings and try my hardest to not care about things.  And, let me be honest.  I'm talking about guys.  I think the majority of this stems from not having met anyone that wanted anything more than a physical relationship with me.  So, I just programmed myself to not feel anything because I already knew they didn't want anything more.  There have been a few guys that I've liked over the course of the last 7-1/2 years.  When I think back to these "relationships," no wonder it was so easy for me to hide my feelings.  What a wake up call for sure!!

I met this guy in 2006 and I instantly liked him.  Now that I look back though I wonder if I just assumed he wanted nothing more.  Or, if that was a conversation we had.  I honestly cannot recall.  But, we hung out often.  Mostly when I would get off of work and before he went into work.  Then on the weekends, I would hang out over there.  We didn't go out much.  I can recall a handful of times we actually went and did something.  I always thought he was still in love/hung up on his ex-girlfriend.  And, over the years, I've found out that he always thought my heart was taken; by Joey.  Although Joey and I had broken up, I can see how he may have thought/felt that.  Very rarely do you see couples remain friends after they've broken up.  But, Joey and I did.  I still went to family functions and spent holidays with him.  It was never a physical thing though.  When we broke up, we were just friends.  I was at the hospital with him during his transplant and was absolutely there the day he passed away.  But, back to what I was saying, I can see how someone would think that he still had my heart.  And, maybe he did and I just didn't realize it.  

Over the years, this guy and I have stayed in touch.  We have had our share of ups and downs.  We will fight and block each other from social media websites and delete each other's phone numbers.  But, somehow, we always end up speaking again.  He has had two kids over the years; and, with the girl I always thought he was still in love with.  Recently, we've been talking almost every day.  We keep it simple though.  All communication is done through email/messaging on FB.  We don't text.  We don't call.  The friendship has gone really well.  There is always going to be inappropriate comments and flirting between us.  We've always had a chemistry between us.  Within the past two months, I've seen him twice.  I've gone over to his house to hang out.  The last time I saw him, it really hit me.  I think I have true feelings for him, and have I always?? A specific incident sticks out in my head too when it hit me.  One, so corny, I'll keep to myself.  So, I told him that we could continue to talk, but that the inappropriate comments/flirting had to come to a stop because it was too much for me.  Well, that lasted a whole five minutes.  I blame him. Ha!  Even just random chit chat was getting to me.  I would get excited if I heard my phone go off.  I would miss him if I didn't talk to him.  As I said before.  I've programmed myself to not feel anything, and I'm starting to realize that I do have feelings for him and I need to express those feelings.  I would casually bring up the topic, but because we joke around so much, I don't think he was believing what I was saying and/or really paying attention to my comments.  Because I thought he wasn't taking me seriously, I kept pushing the issue.  

Now to present day... 

Last night we actually spoke on the phone.  He told me that over the years he's adjusted to us being just friends and I can't expect him to switch his feelings over night.  He continues to tell me that he feels like my heart is still taken.  He feels like my tattoo is always going to be proof to him that he's my second choice.  And, while I can't disregard/discredit his feelings and I am not trying to, I wish he would realize that although my heart may have been taken years ago, it is 100% available and ready to be given now.  I didn't get this tattoo when Joey and I were together.  Nor, did I get it when we broke up.  I got it because he passed away.  I explained to him that until just recently (to be exact the last time I was at his house) did I finally feel like he was over his ex-girlfriend.  He says he's told me before he was over her. But, again, I'm not trying to disregard/discredit his feelings and he can't disregard/discredit mine.  I've always felt like I, too, came second after her.  And, again, until just recently did I feel like he was finally over her.  I can't decide if he's scared of what might happen if he did open his heart up to me.  Or, maybe he truly thinks of me as only a friend and that we would not be able to date.  I'm still trying to figure that out.  I suspect his words and actions will lead me to figure that out over the course of the next few days.  I can hope at least.  Because this "feeling" stuff just isn't for me.  It drives me bat-shit crazy.  It's definitely easier to not feel and to push your feelings aside.  But, where is that going to get me?  Alone.  I've been alone for almost eight years now.  While I blame the jerks I've dated (and, lets be honest, I do), they don't deserve all of the blame.  What if I would have opened up to any of these guys? Would any of the relationships been different? I honestly can't say.  I will say that when I look back at the guys I think I cared about, it would never have worked anyways.  So, I'm glad I didn't open up. 

All I can hope is that he knows I'm being sincere.  That he doesn't come second in my heart.  In the past if I made him feel anything less than first, then I'm sorry.  I think we both made mistakes in the past with how we expressed our feelings.  Now that we're older and a bit more mature, I'm hoping that could change.  

To be continued... 

The last few days, I've put a lot of thought into how I've shown my feelings and emotions over the years. Obviously, in regards to the guy I've been talking about. How can I expect him to feel anything for me, or believe anything I say when I haven't been the most affectionate person? I can't change how he's shown his emotions. But, I can change mine. 

Two days had gone by since our talk earlier this week, and I hadn't heard anything from him. After talking to a few people today, I decided I needed to suck up my pride and make a move. A lot of thought went into this though. I had told him that if he didn't feel the same way about me, that I needed a break from him. So, if I make a move, is he going to think I'm a bit crazy and indecisive? Mmm....probably. I feel really strongly though about my feelings, so I told myself to suck it up and put it all on the table. I texted him and said that he had been on my mind. He wrote back right away with some joke. We went back and forth a few times. Finally, I asked him if he would want to get wings this weekend if he didn't have his kids. Three hours (yes, three) he texted back and said exactly what I thought he would. That I had said I needed a break and now I'm asking him to go get wings. I responded with the truth. That I don't expect him to believe how I feel so I plan on showing him. He responded with a joke. Then nothing....he never answered me. So, an hour later I send another message. He responds by saying that he'll have to pass because he's got a bit too much going on right now.  There it is people. The "I'm too busy for a relationship excuse...." I saw Hitch. Will Smith said that's an excuse. It's an excuse for not wanting to find time for the person who is asking for your time.