said "depression is oftentimes a longing to be somewhere other than the place you're at" and "in many cases depression comes from lack of expression...Isolation = sickness...Be connected..."Not sure how long ago it was, but I know I blogged about having a reoccurring dream about Joey. It's always the same concept. He comes back alive but he's still really sick and I have no idea how long he'll be here. I will try to call and call but he won't answer or return any of my messages. When I do get to talk to him or see him, it's like he just doesn't even want to be bothered by me.
Saturday night I had a dream that we were married. It was sort of a dream inside of another dream which was completely out of whack. No idea where that storyline came from. But, I remember I just kept saying "where's my husband?" People would ask where he was at, and I'd have no idea.
Overall yesterday sucked. At one point I asked myself "why am I in such a crappy mood on a Sunday?" I honestly had no idea why. Then it dawned on me. I'm having a bad Joey day (that's what I call it). I read and I slept. It was what I could do to keep my mind off of my dream and my mind from wandering.
I never thought I was one of those people that would be capable of suppressing their feelings. Maybe I have in the past, and I just never realized it. I always thought of myself as pretty vocal so if I had something to say about how I felt, I said it. I know I suppress my thoughts and feelings about Joey. I started to tear up a little bit yesterday on my way to Target and I made myself stop. I started to again last night while lying in bed and I stopped. I'm so afraid that if I let myself feel what I am feeling then I will literally lose it and I just can't. I'm already so depressed about my job situation and not having insurance, being 32 years old with $.30 in my savings account, no retirement fund started, etc. I know you're going to say "you should be grateful for the things you do have." I am grateful for my family first and foremost. I am grateful that I even have a job. And yes, there is a but....what I am stressed about is what life is really all about. That is job security, health security, financial security....I have none of those things. None. Am I trying to change it? Absolutely.
I keep coming across this quote on Twitter. It basically says that I may be ready for things to happen in my life, but God isn't ready for them to happen to me yet. That I want something to happen in my life for the good, but it's just not my time yet. Do I believe that? Yes. It's just hard to sit back and watch it all happen to other people.
A friend of mine put on Facebook yesterday that maybe the dreams I'm having is a way for my subconscious to tell me something. Maybe my dreams is the only way I know how to release my feelings when it comes to Joey.
Most days I just feel like I'm going through the motions because it's what you're supposed to do.