Monday, June 11, 2012

Rev Run

said "depression is oftentimes a longing to be somewhere other than the place you're at" and "in many cases depression comes from lack of expression...Isolation = sickness...Be connected..."          
Not sure how long ago it was, but I know I blogged about having a reoccurring dream about Joey.  It's always the same concept.  He comes back alive but he's still really sick and I have no idea how long he'll be here.  I will try to call and call but he won't answer or return any of my messages.  When I do get to talk to him or see him, it's like he just doesn't even want to be bothered by me. 

Saturday night I had a dream that we were married.  It was sort of a dream inside of another dream which was completely out of whack.  No idea where that storyline came from.  But, I remember I just kept saying "where's my husband?" People would ask where he was at, and I'd have no idea. 

Overall yesterday sucked.  At one point I asked myself "why am I in such a crappy mood on a Sunday?" I honestly had no idea why. Then it dawned on me. I'm having a bad Joey day (that's what I call it).  I read and I slept.  It was what I could do to keep my mind off of my dream and my mind from wandering. 

I never thought I was one of those people that would be capable of suppressing their feelings.  Maybe I have in the past, and I just never realized it.  I always thought of myself as pretty vocal so if I had something to say about how I felt, I said it.  I know I suppress my thoughts and feelings about Joey.  I started to tear up a little bit yesterday on my way to Target and I made myself stop.  I started to again last night while lying in bed and I stopped.  I'm so afraid that if I let myself feel what I am feeling then I will literally lose it and I just can't.  I'm already so depressed about my job situation and not having insurance, being 32 years old with $.30 in my savings account, no retirement fund started, etc. I know you're going to say "you should be grateful for the things you do have." I am grateful for my family first and foremost.  I am grateful that I even have a job.  And yes, there is a but....what I am stressed about is what life is really all about.  That is job security, health security, financial security....I have none of those things.  None.  Am I trying to change it? Absolutely. 

I keep coming across this quote on Twitter.  It basically says that I may be ready for things to happen in my life, but God isn't ready for them to happen to me yet.  That I want something to happen in my life for the good, but it's just not my time yet.  Do I believe that? Yes.  It's just hard to sit back and watch it all happen to other people.  

A friend of mine put on Facebook yesterday that maybe the dreams I'm having is a way for my subconscious to tell me something.  Maybe my dreams is the only way I know how to release my feelings when it comes to Joey. 

Most days I just feel like I'm going through the motions because it's what you're supposed to do.