Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Life Unexpected

When you are younger, adults try to tell you that life is hard and to enjoy being a kid. All you can do when you are a kid is wish to be an adult and to grow up and be on your own. Although, I like being an adult and being on my own, boy did I not realize how hard life really is.  Don't get me wrong. I've got a good life. I mean it could always be worse, right? I remember even as a kid over thinking things and trying to understand life. I still over think things and I still do not understand most things about life. Ever realize when your true strength is put to the test in the most horrific way (for me it was losing Joey) you seem to find this  inter strength that you never knew you had. But, when you're going through something as minuet as a pain in the ass at work, people tend to over dramatize things? OK, well maybe that's just me. I know I've always been extremely sensitive to what people say and have always let things bother me much more than I should. I don't foresee myself ever not being that way.

In my early 20's, I used to go to Chicago for the day at least a couple times of year. I always told everyone that I would live there one day. I wanted to live downtown (come on...who doesn't want to live in downtown Chicago) and just live the city life. I used to tell people I was going to be a judge. Somewhere along the way, I lost all of those dreams.  A couple of weeks ago, I went to Chicago for the day. It had been years since I had been there. Surprisingly, I drove there and back and never got lost. No Mapquest, nothing. I drove around downtown like a pro. OK, that's a bit of an exaggeration. I did almost go down a one-way, ran a stop sign and hit two huge speed bumps at full speed. But, I didn't get lost. While standing at Navy Pier this sense of serenity came over me.  Maybe it was the lake. Maybe it was the Chicago skyline. Maybe it was both. But, for the first time in months (maybe even years), I felt at peace.  We all just stood and looked out at the lake.  Although, it was cold and windy. It was perfect. I just stood there with my eyes closed letting the wind hit my face taking in the smell of the lake.  No one knew, but I was fighting back the tears.  Like I said, I just felt at peace. I felt happy.  I feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself.  It strikes me as odd too because I don't have kids. I don't have a husband. So, where along the way did I allow myself to get lost? I have no one holding me back. I don't have to be living in Fort Wayne.  I could do anything and go anywhere.  This is the part of the blog where I should be saying I had an "ah ha" moment and I am moving to Chicago. But, it's not in this part of the blog or in this blog at all.  People relocate all of the time.  I just don't know if I am one of those people.