Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It is something like God: it takes one to be a believer, to experience it, and be convinced of it...

...Karma.

This is kind of part 3 of a series of blogs that I have written about a situation that has been going on in my world since right before Christmas, 2010.  I briefly spoke about it here and then went into greater detail here.

I was invited over the weekend to Joey's nieces' communion party.  I had already told Joey's sister-in-law, Judith, that I would attend, and I did not want to go back on my word.  She has been nothing but gracious and accepting of me over the years.  So, I did end up going to the party on Saturday.  Much to my greater surprise, it did not go so well.  I was greeted very warmly by Judith.  Afterwards, I sat down to talk to Joey's niece which happen to be at the same table that Dana was sitting at.  I made my way up to the food line where Joey's sister, Christa and brother, Andy were standing.  I have not seen Christa for quite sometime.  Have you ever gone up to someone and go in for a hug, but realize it is not going to be reciprocated? Apparently, she was not as happy to see me as I was her.  Joey's Mom, Gloria showed up a few minutes after that. She walked right past me and I went to say hi and realized she was not going to stop and talk to me.  I decided to try to make the best of the situation, so I ate some food and caught up with some friends and family of the Garcias'.  I think I stayed for maybe an hour to an hour and a half.  At one point, as I was walking back to the table, and Carlos and Dana's daughter was standing in the doorway to the pavilion and we looked at each other. She looked shocked to see me (at least I think she did). It was a look like "where have you been?" I said, "hi missy" and smiled and she ran out of the pavilion.  Their two daughters were everything to me. Loved them dearly so it was hard not to be able to go up and give her a hug and kiss.

I want to believe that all of this is in my head. That Christa not giving me a hug was not intentional (I did give her a hug goodbye) and Joey's Mom not saying hi or anything to me was also not intentional.  But, my gut tells me otherwise.  I really feel like Dana has fed them a bunch of crap about me that just simply is not true.  When Carlos and Dana were leaving the party, I heard them mention their daughter's birthday party the following day. I have attended all kinds of parties over the last seven years, and I find it very disturbing that no one bothers to think twice that I am not there. 

Now today, I got on Facebook and did a search through my hotmail contacts (which I do occasionally) to see if anyone new had signed up on Facebook.  Much to my surprise, Carlos showed up on my list.  Which if you're not on Facebook means that he's no longer a friend of mine. I went to my friend's list on Facebook, and sure enough he deleted me. It is like a continuous slap in the face. 

I know I need to let this go, but I can't. At least not yet.  I just keep wondering what Joey is thinking about all of this. If he thinks that any of this is my fault in anyway, I would be completely devastated. 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I believe in karma.  Now, whether or not I believe in karma only to make myself feel better, I don't know. At least today I don't know.  I'll get back to you. 

Karma ...

The saying of 'what goes around comes around.'
The belief that all of your actions will have equal repercussions, affecting you.

The Buddhist believe that whatever you do comes back to you, e.g. if you do something good, something good will happen to you, and vice versa.

Karma is the Hindu and Buddhist philosophy according to which the quality of people’s current and future lives is determined by their behavior in this and in previous lives. Good behavior is rewarded with goodness in life, and bad behavior is punished.

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