Tuesday, May 31, 2011

It is something like God: it takes one to be a believer, to experience it, and be convinced of it...


This is kind of part 3 of a series of blogs that I have written about a situation that has been going on in my world since right before Christmas, 2010.  I briefly spoke about it here and then went into greater detail here.

I was invited over the weekend to Joey's nieces' communion party.  I had already told Joey's sister-in-law, Judith, that I would attend, and I did not want to go back on my word.  She has been nothing but gracious and accepting of me over the years.  So, I did end up going to the party on Saturday.  Much to my greater surprise, it did not go so well.  I was greeted very warmly by Judith.  Afterwards, I sat down to talk to Joey's niece which happen to be at the same table that Dana was sitting at.  I made my way up to the food line where Joey's sister, Christa and brother, Andy were standing.  I have not seen Christa for quite sometime.  Have you ever gone up to someone and go in for a hug, but realize it is not going to be reciprocated? Apparently, she was not as happy to see me as I was her.  Joey's Mom, Gloria showed up a few minutes after that. She walked right past me and I went to say hi and realized she was not going to stop and talk to me.  I decided to try to make the best of the situation, so I ate some food and caught up with some friends and family of the Garcias'.  I think I stayed for maybe an hour to an hour and a half.  At one point, as I was walking back to the table, and Carlos and Dana's daughter was standing in the doorway to the pavilion and we looked at each other. She looked shocked to see me (at least I think she did). It was a look like "where have you been?" I said, "hi missy" and smiled and she ran out of the pavilion.  Their two daughters were everything to me. Loved them dearly so it was hard not to be able to go up and give her a hug and kiss.

I want to believe that all of this is in my head. That Christa not giving me a hug was not intentional (I did give her a hug goodbye) and Joey's Mom not saying hi or anything to me was also not intentional.  But, my gut tells me otherwise.  I really feel like Dana has fed them a bunch of crap about me that just simply is not true.  When Carlos and Dana were leaving the party, I heard them mention their daughter's birthday party the following day. I have attended all kinds of parties over the last seven years, and I find it very disturbing that no one bothers to think twice that I am not there. 

Now today, I got on Facebook and did a search through my hotmail contacts (which I do occasionally) to see if anyone new had signed up on Facebook.  Much to my surprise, Carlos showed up on my list.  Which if you're not on Facebook means that he's no longer a friend of mine. I went to my friend's list on Facebook, and sure enough he deleted me. It is like a continuous slap in the face. 

I know I need to let this go, but I can't. At least not yet.  I just keep wondering what Joey is thinking about all of this. If he thinks that any of this is my fault in anyway, I would be completely devastated. 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I believe in karma.  Now, whether or not I believe in karma only to make myself feel better, I don't know. At least today I don't know.  I'll get back to you. 

Karma ...

The saying of 'what goes around comes around.'
The belief that all of your actions will have equal repercussions, affecting you.

The Buddhist believe that whatever you do comes back to you, e.g. if you do something good, something good will happen to you, and vice versa.

Karma is the Hindu and Buddhist philosophy according to which the quality of people’s current and future lives is determined by their behavior in this and in previous lives. Good behavior is rewarded with goodness in life, and bad behavior is punished.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Me = 1 Douchebag = 0

I figured all my loyal blog readers (shoutout to the handful of you) would like a good laugh. So, remember the cray-cray guy in my last blog? I figured you would.  Well, of course, knowing when someone grows up in the same town as you, you naturally ask what high school they went to and what year they graduated.  So, he says he went to South Side and when I asked what year he graduated, he conveniently did not remember. Who doesn't remember when they graduated high school? For me, it was a magical day.  January 16, 1998 was my last day of high school. Not that I'm keeping track. OK, so I continue to ask how he does not remember when he graduated high school. He's thirty-two years old, so he must have graduated in either 1997 or 1998.  My question was never answered. No biggie.

I began to think about a friend of mine that I worked with at Target. I could not remember if he went to South Side of Snider. I texted him today and asked, and he went to South Side. I text him back and asked if he knew who so and so was. He said, "yea I remember him. Why?" Be ready to laugh...

"R" - Me
"F" - Friend

R: That's the guy in my blog!
F: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!! He really was stupid.  Seriously.  He was a freshman in highschool for 3 years. (my guess is that trying to calculate those three extra years was just too much)
R: Are you serious??? He said he went to USC w/a scholarship to play football.
F: I'm dead serious and he didn't even play football in high school so how could he get a scholarship.
R: STFU!! (no comments Jennifer and Samantha) He said he played until he hurt his knee and came back to town and finished school.  He says he works for ***.
F: Lol. All lies.
R: OMG. I'm dying.  He's big enough to play football...dude looks like Big Black (if you don't know who Big Black is, Google him)
F: He was big enough but to stupid.  His grades weren't even good enough to stay on the team. I have a pic on my FB page showing the whole team.  Go ahead n look (first thing I did when I got home from work)
R: I'm still laughing.  What a loser.  I feel an update on my blog coming. Ha.
F: Lol please do. :)

Oh, just in case you were curious, he's not in this picture.

Monday, May 16, 2011

In the words of Khloe Kardashian. This is a "cray-cray" story.

So I recently joined a dating website that my sister suggested to me.  I started talking to this guy who seemed really nice.  We were going to meet on Monday night, and while deciding where to go, he mentioned that he had never been treated by a woman before.  I was completely thrown off. Where did he come up with this and why is he mentioning this before we even go out? I was dumbfounded. He finally apologized and we squashed it. But, by then, I was annoyed and decided Monday wasn't going to be the night.  So, we decided on Wednesday night for coffee, but I had a migraine which carried over to Thursday. So, we ended up going out Friday night.  We were to meet at 6:30 p.m. at Starbucks. Well, he was running late (go figure) and so we decided on 7:30 p.m. at Applebees.  He texted me and asked if we could do Chili's (which I hate), but I said that was cool. So we meet at Chili's at 7:30 p.m.  He was very nice and we had good conversation.  He just seemed a bit too eager for me.  He told me a dozen times I was beautiful and he couldn't believe we were actually out.  He did end up paying for our dinner which was what $30.00? I needed to go to Target to get some stuff before the walk on Saturday, so we drove together to Target and walked around.  While browsing the electronic department, there was a TV that had the football draft on. He says, "that should be me and you. Me playing football and you in the stand with our two kids." Wait. What?? I said, "uh, I don't want any kids." He proceeds to say he doesn't either.  I just thought that was a bit much.  So, we checkout at Target and get back in the car.  It was only 9:30 p.m. by now.  I wanted to just go home and put my pj's on and relax.  I still had somewhat of a headache and was tired.  So, I asked him if he wanted to come over and watch TV for a bit and then I had to go to bed early because of the walk the next day.  He took me back to my car, and he followed me to my house.  We watched the basketball game and he talked. Literally. Dude, didn't shut up for even two seconds.  He just kept saying things that were wholly inappropriate for a first date.  It's like he's trying to hard to find someone to love.  So, after the game, I was like it's time for me to go to bed. He says, "OK, let's go." I said yeah, by myself. So, he slowly gets his shoes on and I walk him to the door.  While he's putting his shoes on, he says so the dreaded question. When will we see each other again? I said I didn't know.  We stand outside and I give him a huge. I didn't even cuddle with him on the couch, nothing. I just began to not be so attracted to him.  He was just too much. So, he mentions a kiss. I said you can't ask for a kiss. It just has to happen. So, I gave him another hug and he's like I just don't want to leave, and I told him I needed sleep.  So, he leaves and before he gets home, he texts me and says he misses me already. Yeah, didn't text him back.  So, Saturday, my phone was broken, so I was nice and emailed him on the website telling him my phone was broken and I would text him when I got a new one hooked up. So, here's our conversations via text from Saturday night to tonight. 

"A" - him
"R" - me

Saturday Night
A: Did you get your phone fixed
R: Yes I went to Verizon and hooked up an old Blackberry and then ordered a new one.  I just got home to charge my phone.
A: Aww I'm glad it all worked out. How was your day?
R: Long!! Did the walk, went to the game for about an hour, drove to Verizon and then met everyone at Cebollas and came home. You?
A: Not much had a few jobs too do in Anderson IN came back home and did some lawn work and fell asleep just got up.  Didn't do much.  Are you feeling alot better?
R: Yes. I feel 100 percent better.  Surprised too since I was outside in the heat/humidity. 
A: Yeah it was muggy outside.  Cant wait to see you again.  Last night seemed like a movie.
R: Why a movie?
A: Cause movies always have happy endings.  You had me trapped in the 80's. I know you hate that.  (He talked about the 80's all night. He even said the best love story was the Titantic)
R: I had a good time too.  I think you're super nice and such a good guy.  I need you to take it slow tho. The "jokes" about kids, marriage, etc. can scare people.
A: Alright. No more marriage and kids joke.  Surely don't want you too be frightened.
R: I just want you to get to know me and not be so in love with being in love.  Make sense?

R: Don't apologize.  Even if we don't work out, I want you to know that it can scare girls off.
A: 1 of 6: I NO MY topics are horrible.  But I try too  relate too all.  It hasn't always worked.  But the attempt is always respectable.  Cause most men can really can; 2 of 6: careless. About how a woman feels.  They almost have no emotion. and have a face of a stone.  I'm more of the expression type full of vigor and prudence; 3 of 6: The only expression I ever want to leave in any womans mind is that he was a good man. And I know he would never hurt me in no way EVER! I feel he left; 4 of 6: that impression in all the hearts of every woman I dated But leaving that expression really does leave you lonely with many emotional night; 5 of 6: think about is that you must be doing everything wrong.  Or saying all the wrong things. But all I want to be is the type of man. That's different from her; 6 of 6: past. And too gain her respect.  But too do that the word goodbye and lets just be friends will haunt me eternal.
R: I already have the sense you're different than any man I've dated. I just want you to like a girl for who she is.  Not bc you want to find love so badly.
A: 1 of 6: I no impression seems or attitude seems like that. But its not true.  I'm not true I'm one of the very few people on the planet that knows what true love is. And I'm; 2 of 6: not desperate or trying to force it or rush it on anyone.  Love will find us.  It's nothing we control.  When that day comes it comes. I'm focused on you not; 3 of 6: love.  And enjoying the time with you. Love will take care of itself.  And be were its always been in the heart.  And its only released and set free when; 4 of 6: people choose too feel the same way about each other.  Truly straight from the heart.  That's why the divorce rate and the breakup rate between adults; 5 of 6: is so high. Its because there is usually only one person in the relationship.  And the other person has already moved on mentally.  But when two agree and; 6 of 6: their hearts connect for all the right reasons all you can do is envy.  Cause they both know it took a lot of time and trust there too get there love is the last
A: Love is the last thing on my mind.  IM NO STALKER no psycho. And I never push. I just me.
R: Good to know :) (notice my lack of enthusiasm at this point)
A: Is that what you want is just too be friends.  And just leave it at that.
R: No. I never said that. I'd like to get to know you.  Just don't want the pressure.
A: 1 of 3: I'm sorry I thought pressure was showing up too your house unannounced. Or coming to your job.  I never thought it dinner and watching basketball made you; 2 of 2: feel like I had a gun too your head.  Once again I'm sorry I'll be totally different next time.  You won't even believe it's me.  But you did say you want; 3 of 3: to get to know me.  So we won't ever have this talk again.  Is that you did only once a year?
R: Dinner and hanging out wasn't  pressure.  I said it was the comments about marriage/kids.  Don't put words in my mouth.  Yes, once a year.

Okay, so the rest of the conversation that night was just shooting the shit. Nothing special. Then, he first text me on Sunday at 12:41 p.m.  We talked on and off all day through text. Just basic conversation.  He text me at 11:13 p.m. and said, "nighty night mommy."

Here's today starting at 1:07 p.m.

A: Lunch time. How is ur day going
R: I just got back from lunch. Took an early one today.  Good and you? I was asleep last night when you text me.
A: I'm sure you was knocked out. Mine is going just fine. Better since I heard from you.
R: Yeah I go to bed pretty early.  Good. Glad to hear.
A: Tonights cuddle time
R: Oh really
A: Yes I need you its been too long
R: Ha ha (I had nothing else to say)
A: You can run but you can't hide. Your day has come.
R: Not trying to hide. However, I do have plans tonight and possibly tomorrow with friends from out of town.
A: What about me. I thought you wanted to get to know me.
R: Wow. I had these plans before we met.
A: Its cool
A: I'm just pulling your let hot mama.  Enjoy yourself. Let me know how it went
R: That's just it though.  You're not joking.  And, comments like that are wholly unnecessary.  I shouldn't be made to feel bad cause I have plans.
A: Oh my hot mama
A: 1 of 2: I was a fool too ever think I was going to see you again.  You said I was a super nice guy.  If thats not good enough to get quality time then it must be; 2 of 2: material. Usually it always is.
R: You are a super nice guy. Its only been three days and we just met.  You're pushing this way to much.  I'm the least materialistic female.  I don't see this working.

Okay, this is where it gets ugly and I stop responding to him.

6:39 p.m.
A: You never did.  I DONT MAKE 6 FIGURES or sell dope. Im the total opposite. Your been looking for a reason. To part ways from me every since the first night. But you couldn't without looking like a whore.  So you aplify everything I do to make me feel I some fuckup and doing everything wrong. Aint nothing wrong with me.  You just don't give a fuck about me. You never wanted to give a fuck about me. If you did you would ask me when am I available like I do too you.  You love yourself and money. Every whore do.  Its all about you.  Whore have male friends dont you have tons of them. You hate and dislike me cause you have no Im not a trick or a sucker and can care less about fucking you. So you have no leverage.  So just like a Devil you blame me like Im bad when you the broke ass whore.  And the worthless fuck up trying to use men for money.  IM TO OLD FOR THESE HOOKER AS GAMES GROW THE FUCK UP BITCH and get a life.

7:55 p.m.
A: Yeah just what I thought bitch. Go suck some more dick and get that rent paid. Thats why that gaps between your teeth right. Fuck off and go too hell.

8:34 p.m.
A: Just like a fucking hooker. To broke to pay for your own meal. Your life is so pathetic. You have to hustle men for meals. You have that worthless ass mean disease.  Go back Pieres where you belong with the rest of the hookers. Its full of digenerate male whores and tricks. You will be in heaven. I WISH I never meet your sorry ass. I hate fucking woman like you.  But I really hate myself for being so fucking stupid. To ever believe that a old tired ass woman like  you could be different.  Ill be blessed with a good woman one day. I just got to keep defeating whores like you. And not letting you break my pockets. I pitty the fool that dates you. He dating the fucking Devel. Go to hell bitch.

I'm not sure if he text me anymore. I went online to Verizon's website and blocked his number.

I'm Telling My Side Of The Story Now

Usually when I write blogs where I'm venting about someone, I leave their name out. You never know who is going to accidentally come across your blog and contrary to some people's beliefs, I try not to hurt people's feelings. But, yeah. I'm not in that kind of mood today. Maybe it's the PMS.
It's time for people to hear my side of the story.
Back in December, I made a very small excerpt in a blog about a girlfriend accusing me of something that is just completely insane.  Well, I'm still not over it and I'm not sure I'll ever be over it.

Joey and I were together as most of you know for quite sometime.  Joey had a lot of acquaintances and some very close friends.  There was one friend of his who I hung out with the most.  And, that was Carlos.  He was the one friend who was always there for Joey and who I believe was his closet friend (or as some may say - brother).  Carlos and I were there to lean on each other when Joey got his transplant and we were there for each other when Joey passed.  It was like he was the only one who truly knew what it felt like to lose your best friend. 
Carlos was married before we lost Joey and he has two daughters.  His wife, Dana and I were never close.  We were civil with each when the time and place called for it, but never attempted to make small talk.  Well, somehow after Joey passed, her and I got close.

Wait...go back. The day of Joey's funeral, we all went back to the Garcias'.  Carlos and Dana were to meet us there.  Carlos texted me and said they were not coming over and he would explain later.  Come to find out, Dana was pissed at him because she thought he was either flirting with me or my friends (I forget). So, they were not coming over.  Really? He was flirting with other girls on the day of his best friend's funeral?

OK, back to where I was.  I considered her one of my best friends. We went shopping together, they had me over for dinner, I went to the girls' birthday parties.  If I didn't see her for a week, I would miss her.  We always had so much fun together.  When she went back to work, I babysat their daughter for the first two days because she didn't feel well. I picked Carlos up in Indy at the airport when he flew back from California because Dana didn't feel well.  When her and Carlos went through a rough patch, she stayed at my house one night.  I always stuck up for her too when it came to their fights.  I tried to talk sense into Carlos when he wasn't right. My point is that, I was a loyal and good friend to them both. 

When Carlos was in California after his grandfather passed, Dana stayed here with the girls.  She started a few fights with Carlos while he was in California.  A high school friend of his offered to take him to a Dodgers game and Dana flipped out.  A cousin of his who is a girl by the way, had posted a comment on Facebook, and Dana got jealous. It's his cousin! So, as you've read, there's a bit of a pattern here with her jealousy.

Well, one night after not seeing them for quite some time, I stopped over at their house.  I had been working a temporary job for about three weeks.  Not once, did she ask me how my job was going.  She had just recently started working and I asked her how work was every day for at least a week.  She hadn't worked for over a year so I knew it was big change for her. In my opinion, we grew apart when she started working.  And, even from the beginning, if I would text her, it could be two hours later before she would respond.  So, I tried to text both of them equally, but sometimes I would just resort to Carlos, because I knew the conversation would be over faster.  Carlos would update me on things going on with the girls or just life in general.  So, anyways, I stop at their house after not seeing them for sometime.  Dana was tanning or at the grocery store.  I forget. But, she came home and I immediately realized she didn't give me a huge, which was so unlike her.  I just felt the tension coming from her.  I had told Carlos that I had a dream that him and I went to Mexico. So random and that was all that was to the dream.  Well, Carlos had originally told me he wasn't going to tell Dana because she would be mad.  I didn't think anything of it.  While we're all sitting there that night, he told Dana about my dream. 

To sum up the next week or so, she started texting me about how she didn't trust me and that my friendship with Carlos was getting too close for her comfort.  I had told her I would never want her to feel that way.  She made me promise to not saying to Carlos because this was right before Christmas and she didn't want to ruin their holiday.  That was a lot to put on my shoulders.  I was devastated that she would feel that way.  Well, then later in that week, I got more text messages saying that I was forbidden to speak to either one of them or be around the girls.  She said that she knows Carlos would never mess around with me, but that she isn't so sure about me.  I did respond to her and I never heard back from her.

Just this past weekend, I saw the Garcias and Carlos and Dana at the CF walk.  I didn't speak to Carlos and Dana.  And, I did mention something to Joey's Mom about not speaking to them since December and she said she didn't know and changed the subject.  Again, it breaks my heart to think that the Garcias honestly think I would a) try to go after Joey's best friend; b) go after a married man; or c) go after my best friend's husband. Not to mention, I am not attracted to Carlos or have any type of inappropriate feelings for him. 

I'm not sure what hurts more. That Dana turned on me, or that Carlos didn't acknowledge that any of it happened.  I know he had to choose his wife over me. And, I'm OK with that. What I'm not OK with is that he didn't say anything to me about.  If he would just have said you know this is how it's going to have to be because she's my wife and my family I would feel better. But, nope. Nothing.  He just let her walk all over both of us. 

What also pisses me off is that Carlos told me after Joey passed that he would always be there for me like Joey was for me. 

Some promise...