Saturday, April 30, 2011

Three Years

Today marks three years since I lost my best friend and soul mate. And, although it was three years ago, it feels like yesterday.

It was a Wednesday, and I was working at Shambaugh Kast. I had just gotten to work and sat down at my desk at 8:30a.m., when my cell phone rings. It's Carlos telling me that Joey isn't doing well, and that we need to get to Indy. I hadn't even turned on my computer yet. I jumped up and ran to the office manager's office, and told him I had to leave. I ran home and changed my clothes and grabbed a few things. I wasn't sure how long I would need to be in Indianapolis.  I called my sister, Samantha on the way as she was going to school at Ball State. She said that when I got to the Ball State exit, to call her and she would leave and meet me at Methodist Hospital.  Carlos and Dana were on their way as well.  We all ended up at the hospital within minutes of each other. We get off the elevator and start heading to his room.  We pass Andy sitting in a waiting room and I walk in and give him a hug, and he starts crying.  Carlos stayed back with him, and I continued down the long hallways to Joey's room.  I walked in to see Gloria there with him.  I walked up to Joey and held his hand and told him I loved him.  Gloria told him I was there with my sister.  I rubbed his hand while holding it in mine.  Some of his family showed up, so Samantha and I stepped out of the room.  We sat down in the waiting room for quite sometime until I realized that I needed to see him again.  We walked back down to his room.  I remember telling him I loved him again and goodbye.  Most of us stood in the hallway, while his immediate family was in the room with him.  I will never forget the sound of the screams and cries of Christa as she lie on Joey.  It was like being in a movie; standing there watching the screen as his heartbeat dropped.  And....finally, there it was. Just like you see in a movie. A flat line on the monitor. I started crying and dropped my head into my sister's arms.  I remember we all stepped away so they could unhook all of the machines.  I walked back into the room and told him goodbye once again.  I remember walking out of the room, and Gloria telling Carlos to be the last to say goodbye. I always knew Gloria was a strong woman, but her strength that day is indescribable.  As we all stood in the hallway, I remember asking Christa if I thought she thought Joey was just tired and ready to go. She said, yes.  I called my Dad and told him the news.  I didn't hang around long. I walked to my car and drove back to Fort Wayne.  While driving home, I remember calling a friend of mine to just talk to him.  I got home, and shortly thereafter, Stacia came over. We hung out and watched a movie. I decided I didn't want to be alone that night, so I went to her house and stayed the night. That was the night I ended up walking into the hall closet while trying to find the bathroom, and then ended up on MySpace and Facebook for three hours.  I was taking Ambien at the time, and do not remember being on the Internet for that long. I found out by the pictures I posted and emails I sent that night. I woke up Thursday morning, and ended up going from the spare bedroom of Stacia's house to her bedroom where I slept until she got home from work that day.  I still remember the viewing and the funeral, but I won't go into those details. At least not today.

Since losing Joey, I'm not sure that I have grieved at all. I'm not sure I ever will. Or, maybe I have, and I just don't know it.  I've dreamt about him a few times, but the dreams are always the same.  I always dream about him coming back alive, and not knowing how long I'll be able to have him in my life again. I'm always afraid of losing him. Last night I dreamt that he was sick and in his bedroom. I kept going to check on him to make sure he was still alive. Today, I can't get that dream out of my thoughts and the way I felt. 

April 18th marked eight years ago that I met Joey at Piere's. I wonder what God was thinking when he brought us together./

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