Saturday, April 30, 2011

Three Years

Today marks three years since I lost my best friend and soul mate. And, although it was three years ago, it feels like yesterday.

It was a Wednesday, and I was working at Shambaugh Kast. I had just gotten to work and sat down at my desk at 8:30a.m., when my cell phone rings. It's Carlos telling me that Joey isn't doing well, and that we need to get to Indy. I hadn't even turned on my computer yet. I jumped up and ran to the office manager's office, and told him I had to leave. I ran home and changed my clothes and grabbed a few things. I wasn't sure how long I would need to be in Indianapolis.  I called my sister, Samantha on the way as she was going to school at Ball State. She said that when I got to the Ball State exit, to call her and she would leave and meet me at Methodist Hospital.  Carlos and Dana were on their way as well.  We all ended up at the hospital within minutes of each other. We get off the elevator and start heading to his room.  We pass Andy sitting in a waiting room and I walk in and give him a hug, and he starts crying.  Carlos stayed back with him, and I continued down the long hallways to Joey's room.  I walked in to see Gloria there with him.  I walked up to Joey and held his hand and told him I loved him.  Gloria told him I was there with my sister.  I rubbed his hand while holding it in mine.  Some of his family showed up, so Samantha and I stepped out of the room.  We sat down in the waiting room for quite sometime until I realized that I needed to see him again.  We walked back down to his room.  I remember telling him I loved him again and goodbye.  Most of us stood in the hallway, while his immediate family was in the room with him.  I will never forget the sound of the screams and cries of Christa as she lie on Joey.  It was like being in a movie; standing there watching the screen as his heartbeat dropped.  And....finally, there it was. Just like you see in a movie. A flat line on the monitor. I started crying and dropped my head into my sister's arms.  I remember we all stepped away so they could unhook all of the machines.  I walked back into the room and told him goodbye once again.  I remember walking out of the room, and Gloria telling Carlos to be the last to say goodbye. I always knew Gloria was a strong woman, but her strength that day is indescribable.  As we all stood in the hallway, I remember asking Christa if I thought she thought Joey was just tired and ready to go. She said, yes.  I called my Dad and told him the news.  I didn't hang around long. I walked to my car and drove back to Fort Wayne.  While driving home, I remember calling a friend of mine to just talk to him.  I got home, and shortly thereafter, Stacia came over. We hung out and watched a movie. I decided I didn't want to be alone that night, so I went to her house and stayed the night. That was the night I ended up walking into the hall closet while trying to find the bathroom, and then ended up on MySpace and Facebook for three hours.  I was taking Ambien at the time, and do not remember being on the Internet for that long. I found out by the pictures I posted and emails I sent that night. I woke up Thursday morning, and ended up going from the spare bedroom of Stacia's house to her bedroom where I slept until she got home from work that day.  I still remember the viewing and the funeral, but I won't go into those details. At least not today.

Since losing Joey, I'm not sure that I have grieved at all. I'm not sure I ever will. Or, maybe I have, and I just don't know it.  I've dreamt about him a few times, but the dreams are always the same.  I always dream about him coming back alive, and not knowing how long I'll be able to have him in my life again. I'm always afraid of losing him. Last night I dreamt that he was sick and in his bedroom. I kept going to check on him to make sure he was still alive. Today, I can't get that dream out of my thoughts and the way I felt. 

April 18th marked eight years ago that I met Joey at Piere's. I wonder what God was thinking when he brought us together./

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Free My Mind

I could not fall asleep last night. Ever realize you have so many thoughts that you do not have room for anything else to think about? I have found that blogging helps to get all those thoughts out and opens up room for other things.

It has been over four months since I have seen or spoken to my mother. Actually, it has been over a year since we have really been close at all. It started last March when I bought my plan ticket to New York. She told me I was irresponsible and I pushed my friends away. There was something else too, but I cannot remember what it was. Nothing we discussed that night on the phone was about our relationship. It was about how she felt about me. I am your daughter. Why would you say those things to me? I was not irresponsible for buying a plane ticket to New York. I needed to get away and enjoy life even if it was only for a week. Since then, we have seen each other on holidays and just acted as if nothing was wrong. A few times, I felt myself letting my guard down. Somehow though, she always managed to make me put it back up. In January, we went to my nephew's birthday party. We are standing in the kitchen, and I tell her my rent was two weeks late. She said, "well, I guess you better move home with your Dad." She knows that is the last thing I want to do. Not that my Dad and Michele are not great or that my childhood home isn't beautiful. It is just that I have lived on my own for quite some time. Don't you want your loved ones to be happy? Don't you want your kids to be happy? It just hurts thinking that she does not want me to be happy. I think what has made me the most angry is when she told me I was irresponsible. I am the most responsible person I probably know. I do not drink (never have), do not do drugs, I am thirty-one years old and have no kids, I have managed to live on my own for probably nine or ten years now. I do not jump from guy to guy just to be in a relationship. Of course, I have made mistakes, but I am not irresponsible. Far from it actually. I guess I just do not understand how she wakes up everyday and thinks it is OK that she does not speak to her daughter. Her excuse is that I do not like to talk on the phone. Well, ask me over for dinner. Or, ask me to go shopping with you. Oh that's what the other things was. She said I only came over if she was going to go shopping. But, if she was going to stay home I would not come over. Like, I thought if we went shopping I would get something out of it. This was when I was not working, so I wanted to get out and do something. Why go sit at their house and watch golf or racing when I can stay home and watch what I want to? Easter is this weekend and I have no plans to go over there. I refuse to go over and act like everything is fine. I had hoped that since she does not speak to her mother, that she would not want to carry on that cycle and not speak to her daughters. I have asked her before if she thought Grandma sits at home wondering why she does not speak to any of her children or grandchildren and my Mom said no because she does not think she has done anything wrong. I feel that way about my Mom too. I do not think she realizes what she has said and done to hurt me. If I ever have kids, I would never let four months go by without speaking to them. Never.

I am also upset with my Mom because her and my step-dad, Jay are getting way too involved with my sister and her ex-husband. They want my niece to block her father from her phone. My Mom told my niece to take him off of Facebook, along with his fiance.  I get it. We all hate him. We all know what a piece of shit he is. But, it does not matter how we feel about him. He is still entitled to see his kids. And unless she's willing to pay for attorney fees if she pushes it too far, then she needs to back off. She needs to be encouraging my niece to want to have a relationship with her Dad. And, she is not doing that.

Lastly, a few months back I got a call from my step-dad to see if I could stay at their house and dog sit while they went on vacation for a few days. I told him no because I have Cierra. I found out he told my sister that I can't go over there and do them a favor, but that I can go to New York for a week and leave Cierra. I felt like a huge dick doing that. She is so used to my being home everyday. And, lucky for Cierra I left on Saturday and came home Tuesday. Plus, I had to have someone come over every day and feed and hang out with her. So, no, I do not want to come over and stay at your house. Plus, the times I have stayed there, I get no sleep because of the dogs, and then I wind up sick. Not my idea of a good time.

I am not sure I have talked about him before, but I completely and utterly despise my ex-brother-in-law. It amazes me how some people can change and not for the better. I cannot believe that he honestly thinks my sister is a bad mom. I love his post on Facebook, "Had to make an incredibly difficult decision about the kids today, something I never thought I'd have to do. Now I'm really struggling with how it will affect them and the changes it may cause. Now I am stressed!!!" REALLY? Cause you were not thinking about them when you decided to take a bottle of pills or when your daughter had to call 911 on you (twice) for domestic disturbance. Or, that your five year old daughter still till this day talks about how you spilled hot water on her mom. Were you thinking about them then? And, all of this over something so stupid that does not even endanger the kids.

I have been single for probably five to six years now. And, I am starting to wonder what it will be like, or what I will be like when and if I get into a relationship. That's all ...

I try to tell myself that karma exists. I mean, I think everyone tells themselves that to feel better about something that someone did to them. At least, I do. Well, yesterday, I get to work and see the newspaper and my mouth dropped open when I saw a picture of someone who was arrested that I went to high school with. This person also lived above some friends of mine and made their life hell. He would come home late and play really loud music and stomp around and it would keep the kids awake. He threatened them and just made their life hell. Can you imagine having a neighbor above you who deliberately tries to make as much noise as possible to keep you and your babies awake? And, the apartment complex and police did nothing. This is why I believe in karma. And, these friends I am speaking of, are no longer my friends because I have been forbidden to speak to them because of something I did not do or feelings I do not have. Karma came around for you, and I firmly believe that karma is going to come back around for me. And, I cannot wait to witness it for what you have done and said to me.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mad Ants 2010-2011 Season

This was the first year I went to a Mad Ants game, and I have to say, it will not be my last. Me and Stacia had such a good time routing for these guys every single game. And, it was a lot of fun getting to know the players. It was also really sad at times when players got waived and/or traded. Of course, there was Oliver Lafayette and Walker Russell Jr who left to go play overseas. I cannot believe I did not take one single picture at any of the games we went to. So, I'm going to steal my favorite photos from the Mad Ants' photographer, Randy Jackson. He took a lot of great pictures, so I'm going to post my favs.

Add caption

Anthony Kent

Walker Russell Jr

Walker Russell Jr being Walker. Saying hi to everyone.

All 10 players signing autographs after last game.

Corey Allmond

Confetti party!!

The President. Follow him at

Ron Howard (19) and Marvin Phillips Jr. (34)

Ron Howard

Wayne Chism

Carlos: "Daaaammmmnnn, Corey."

Walker Russell Jr back from China (left) and Chris Hunter (right)

Marvin Phillips Jr. w/his wife and son (I think)

Ron Howard w/his daugther

Not sure what this guy is doing to Derek Raivio

Baaahahahahaha Wayne Chism

Crazy picture of Rod Wilmont in the air.

This looks photoshopped. Anthony Kent

Classic. Picking Chris Kramer up off the floor.

Chris Kramer, Ron Howard and Corey Allmond

Superman. Corey Allmond

"Mr. Mad Ant" - Ron Howard

I'm still waiting for Anthony Kent to explain what he's doing to Marvin Phillips Jr.

Corey Allmond

Corey Allmond

Yours truly and Stacia

Marvin Phillips Jr and Anthony Kent

Carlos English

Dancing to YMCA. She was also featured in the commercial.

Every game picture of Walker Russell Jr looks like this. Dude is a beast.

Another awesome picture. Anthony Kent

Start of game tradition. Corey Allmond and Rod Wilmont

He's smiling!! Marvin Phillips Jr

Walker Russell Jr

Oliver Lafayette. He went to Turkey to take over for Allen Iverson while he had surgery.

Mr. three point shot himself. Rod Wilmont

Again. Chris Kramer on the floor. He was OK.

Security surrounding the Kramer Family after Stacia's verbal altercation w/Lil Kramer.