Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Friendships

I wish I had all the answers, or knew someone who did.

I truly believe that I'm a good person. I, of course, have my flaws and am far from perfect. I think I have a good heart and truly care about the people in my life. So, then why do people keep walking out of my life?

I think back to high school, and the four girls I hung out with. We were inseparable, and now I don't speak to any of them. Why, I have no idea. When I was in college, there were three girls the same year I started that I hung out with, and then another girl who started when I was going for my bachelors. Girl 1: I stayed friends with all throughout college and even after. There were times we didn't talk for a while, but we stayed friends for a long time. Actually up and until 2008. She said some things (that I won't go in to) that were unforgettable. I've forgiven her, but I can't forget. I also think we've gone in two different directions and grew apart. Girl 2: I have always been friends with. We are still friends, but speak very rarely. She's very busy with work and her family. Although we don't speak often, I know she'll always be in my life. Girl 3: This friendship has had more drama than any friendship I've probably ever had. We went about a year without speaking and then bumped into each other, and "rekindled" our friendship. However, now, we never hang out and also speak very rarely. For some reason, this girl always has a way of making me feel like complete crap. Like, I'm just some horrible person. I really think I've grown up a lot since college and have changed so much that we'll never be close again. Girl 4: We were friends while in school, but I don't remember really hanging out outside of school. After graduation we grew apart and stopped speaking. Then in 2005, I got a job where she worked and we became close again. She's now my best friend in the world.

I'm not sure when it started, but I've been so closed off when it comes to friendships. If you say or do something that makes me mad, I'm so quick to write people off. I think I just tell myself that it's easier than trying to fight with someone. And, where has this all left me? Alone.

Without getting into all the details, recently, a very close girlfriend of mine accused me of doing (or feeling) something that is absolutely not true. And, as a result of that, our friendship is no longer.

I remember when an old boss of mine was getting married, and she was telling me about all her bridesmaids she was going to have. She said she had girls from all stages of her life in her wedding - childhood friends, high school friends - college friends - current friends, etc. I thought to myself, "wow, the only girls I would want in my wedding are my two sisters."

They say people make their own luck. Is that true? Why would I want to continue to have bad luck in work and my personal life? Am I at fault for all these friendships going wrong? What did I do to cause myself to be all alone?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not the most open or friendliest person. I do feel that once I get to know someone and they get to know me, that my heart opens up. But, why is it that all the people I've cared about are no longer in my life?

Like I said, I wish I had all the answers or knew someone that did, because I would love to know what I've done wrong.

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