Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Smorgasboard of Thoughts

I've been hesitant to write a blog lately, because I don't have one specific topic to talk about. I don't want to write one of those blogs where I'm jumping from one thought, topic or emotion to another. But, looks like that's what I'm going to do.

I recently, got a temporary position which I really like. I just kept pretending that I'd work there permanently because I was doing such a good job and really liked it. Yesterday, I was told the new girl would be starting on Monday. I may get to work a few days to help the office get transitioned with the new girl. Honestly, I'd rather not be here. But, I've got to put my big girl pants on, and suck it up. It's been nice working and having some place to be everyday. The money situation has really stressed me out. I'm making less an hour than I was being on unemployment. Sixty dollars less a month to be exact, and now unemployment is taking their sweet time depositing the very little money they are going to give me. I really try to not let the financial side of things really stress me out, because what really can I do? But, I feel like I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole. I can't keep asking to borrow money. I would love to go to the dentist, and I need to go to the doctor. Did I mention the $300.00 medical bill I got?

I've realized over the past few years that I've not been working, that I've taken having a job for granted. I have also realized that until you've been in my shoes you cannot begin to understand what it's like to get unemployment and not be a part of the working world. You don't get to look forward to Friday at 5:00 p.m. You don't get to dread Monday mornings. And, let's not forget not having money to go out and have dinner with a friend or to go fulfill that shopping crave. I've realized that everyone is different and everyone has stress. Whether or not I may think my problems are worse than the next person's, is completely not true. My stress is just as elevated as the next person's no matter what the cause may be.

Over the course of the past few years I've had some major life changes. First I lost my best friend and now I've lost two jobs. I've become very sensitive to the words of others. I don't think it's OK to say "that sucks" when it involves losing a job or not having money. "That sucks" is more appropriate if Target ran out of your shampoo. "That sucks" is OK to say when you can't get in for a hair appointment until next week. I'm not sure if people just don't know what to say, so their first and only response is "that sucks." I've also noticed people want to tell you how to feel. No one, but me knows how I really feel and for you to judge and tell me how to feel is completely inappropriate. As I should not be telling you how to feel.

PS I realize I've only done three of the ten best days of my life, but I'm having trouble thinking of more. Hopefully, soon, I'll have day four to write about.

2 comments:

Brown-Eyed Girl said...

Rachel,

I pray for you every night - and I cannot begin to understand the stress you're in on a day to day basis. Keep in mind you do have friends that are more than willing to take YOU to dinner :)
I don't think I have much of life figured out yet, but I do believe everything happens for a reason - as cliche as it may sound. The right job will come around - and maybe - probably - when you least expect it. One thing you can learn from all of this is that you are so much stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for.
Let me know when you want to go out to dinner sometime :)
Hugs
Leslie

Rachel said...

Leslie,

Thank you for the encouraging thoughts. You always have the right thing to say at the right time.

I'm so excited you're blogging, and I look forward to reading about your journey.

xoxo,
Rachel