Wow. I've got a lot on mind lately. So much that I haven't been sleeping well. My dreams have been so much related to what's going on in my life and in my head on a daily basis. Sleeping for me is an escape, and I wish my mind would completely shut off, but I guess that's life.
I got a call yesterday for an interview in Indianapolis for Marion County. It would be working for the juvenile department. Although, the job could possibly be something I would like, I just can't see myself living in Indianapolis. Plus, with what the job is going to pay, I'm worried that the cost of living in Indianapolis would just be too much. But, I need a job so what do I do? I think I'll go to the interview and if I get a second interview that's great, but like I said, I just can't see myself moving there.
The other thing I've been stressing about is my extended family coming into town this weekend. Although, I don't have any particular reason to not want to visit with my family, I just don't consider them a part of my life. Should I be more open to allowing them into my life? I feel like I'm so closed off to a lot of people, and that's by choice. As most people know, I don't hide my feelings very well, and I just feel like if I attend the family gathering, it would be a fake act on my part.
I swear I used to be so good at making decisions. When did this all change? Maybe the older I'm getting the more difficult the decisions I need to make are, or maybe I'm just losing my decision making skills in my old age. Ha. Either way, I wish I could talk to someone who could provide an unbiased opinion to these questions and thoughts I have going on in my mind.
Lately, I've been having a difficult time with the advice, or as I like to call it, the judgements that have been bestowed upon me. Contrary to what some people believe, I am whole heartedly grateful for what I have in my life. I go to bed and wake up everyday thankful that I have a roof over my head that I can stay at by myself. I am thankful for the material things that I have. I am also very grateful for the family and few great friends I have in my life. I'm grateful for the support team I have to get me through the tough times I've been going through. What I've had problems dealing with is the comments from others that I need to be grateful for what I do have and to not dwell on what I don't have. I'm not complaining about a pair of shoes or a purse I don't have. I don't have a job, which provides all of a person's security in life. Although, I may have that roof over my head, I'm not paying for it. I'm not working forty hours a week to provide that roof for myself. As of now, the government is doing that. And, the little things that have come up the past few months, I've had to rely on my parents for support. There are no words to describe how hard it is for me to ask for help with my bills. Until you have ever had to worry about how you're going to pay your bills or how you're going to get the courage to ask for help, please do not pass judgment on me or anyone. Do not tell me how to feel everyday when I wake up. I made a comment the other day on FB about being single. Of course, people want to say that I should be happy for the family and friends I have and that being single isn't that bad. Again, until you've been single for five or more years like I have been then please do not pass judgment or opinion. Of course, I would rather be single than be in an unhealthy relationship. They're right, being single isn't so bad, BUT it does get lonely. My family and friends cannot provide that companionship that a partner can. I miss sleeping with someone at night. I miss waking up to someone in the morning and spending a rainy Sunday afternoon on the couch vegging out all day. Those little phone calls and text messages throughout the day that bring a smile to your face.
So...please I ask you to not pass judgment on me or tell me what I should be grateful for or how to feel.