Friday, July 9, 2010

Misunderstood

Wow, I got a lot going on which means I've got a lot to get off my chest. Where do I even start? Do you ever feel like everyone is out to get you? That no matter what you say or do, it's just never good enough. I sit back and think how celebrities are in the lime light and take the public scrutiny that they get day in and day out. I could never do it. My skin isn't thick enough. Maybe I don't word things properly. Maybe I speak at the wrong times. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I've come to the conclusion that I am definitely doing SOMETHING wrong. It started out last week when I vented about someone and their personal story. I take full responsibility that I shouldn't have said what I said about her, and that I should have just vented about me, and only me. Long story obviously, but me being called heartless really bothered me. Then what happened tonight when all I was thinking about was basketball. Why in the world would I downplay someone else's depression or sadness? Never would I do that. I feel like no matter what level of depression you have, it's not to be measured against someone else's. What is important to me, may not be important to someone else. What is stressful to me, may not be stressful to someone else. Since I'm not working, it gives me a lot of time to think (more than I care too). I think about how to become a better person. I think about how I can make my relationships with people better and stronger. I think about what kind of life I want for myself. I feel like all this thinking and processing should be improving my life. But, it's not. I feel like everything is caving in on me at one time, and I may just break. I get to the point where I just want to shut every single person out of my life to prevent any type of hurt or pain that I may cause or that may be inflicted upon me. Is that healthy? I would say most doctors would say no. But, it's what I feel inside. I feel like I stay home and like being home alone because it's safe. I won't get hurt by other's words and like I said, I can't hurt others with my words. I feel like that lady on Celebrity Rehab where all she wanted was her birds because they couldn't hurt her like people do. I get to that point where I just want to shut down all social networks and block every person from my phone. I just want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do in these situations. My Dad always says that you have to believe in yourself and that if you know you're a good person that's all that matters. I really truly believe that about myself, but it's hard to keep believing that when people are constantly getting angry with you or thinking that your words or actions are anything but good intentions. I let all these feelings and emotions just build up inside me and I wish I could yell, scream or cry them out, but I can't. If I started to cry or scream, I'm afraid I would never stop. Both my Mom (that's a whole other story) and Dad have said that I haven't grieved about Joey. I've heard Dr. Phil and I've read online that there are stages of grief. I'm not sure I've hit any of those stages. (1) Shock & Denial - I don't remember being in shock that Joey was sick and going to pass away. I don't remember ever being in denial about it. I don't think I'm in denial now. Maybe I am because I'm not grieving? (2) Pain & Guilt - Obviously, I have pain over losing him. I do believe I may have some guilt. I feel like I should have been there before he got so sick that I couldn't talk to him or have him know I was there holding his hand and that it was OK to go. (3) Anger & Bargaining - I've never been anger about Joey passing and I wouldn't bargain to have him back or for anything to be different because I do believe that he was tired and that it was his time to go. (4) Depression, Reflection and Loneliness - I feel like this everyday. I'm not sure how much is about life in general and how much is about Joey. I miss him deeply and he fulfilled such a big part of my life.

(5) The Up word Turn
(6) Reconstruction & Working Through
(7) Acceptance & Hope

These are the last three. Again, I'm not sure I can separate my feelings here between Joey and everything else that has been going with my job situation. Maybe when I get the job situation in a place where I'm happy, I can finally sort my feelings out when it comes to Joey. Again, I don't think I've really hit any of these stages of grief. I don't remember ever really crying after he past away. I know I was deeply sadden and I wanted people to leave me alone, but I only remember crying one time really hard and that was when I was talking to Jennifer. I wonder if grief can come in 5 years or if there really is a time frame to grieve. (Note to self: email Dr. Phil)

I really am turning this over to God because at this point, I feel like I don't know how to make things better.

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