Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Not So Bright and Shiny

Everyday I come to Blogger to see if Conner's Mom has written another blog.

It breaks my heart to read how much pain she's in. How angry she is with God, but that she still believes in God and loves Him.

I read how she wishes he were still here even though she spent all her time caring for him whether that be taking him to doctor appointments, helping him with his breathing treatments, administering meds, etc.

Although, she has two other sons, no one can replace Conner, her oldest son who she lost at the age of 7.

She's blogged about legos being left outside in the yard and that they must be signs from Conner, and I believe her. I believe he's giving her signs that although he's not in her care anymore, he's pain free and is safe in God's care.

I read about her journey she takes everyday to visit Conner where he now rests, and it breaks my heart.

I've attempted to leave comments on several occasions, but I can't find the right words. No matter what anyone says, it won't take the pain away from losing Conner.

I know she'll never be complete again now that she's lost Conner, but I pray that one day she can wake up and begin to enjoy life again.

I truly am sorry for your loss, Sarah (Conner's Mom).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

A Great Read

I saw this book in Target one day, and had to read it. It's called, "Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, or Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office."

The author is Jen Lancaster and it's her memoir. I swear this book is my memoir too. One of my favorite quotes is "So, I'm not a VP anymore and the money isn't huge. However, it will allow me to buy groceries and antidepressants, so I'm pretty damn thankful."

The book starts out with her earning a six figure salary, living in an amazing apartment in Chicago with her boyfriend. She gets regularly scheduled mani/pedi's, hair cut/colored, she's a fashionista who owns Prada, Kate Spade and her favorite perfume is Dior. She gets fired due to a merger and is unemployed for over a year. In that years time, her now husband gets laid off. She decides to volunteer in an adoption center for animals (I did that too), and ends up adopting two dogs. She applies to hundreds of different jobs, she temps she makes cold calls. This woman is determined to find a job. After her husband gets laid off they decide to downgrade into a cheaper apartment ($1600/month). She is continually told she's over qualified or not qualified enough because with her VP experience, how does that make her qualified to work at Pottery Barn? She starts up her own website, which by the way, makes her lose a job because the company didn't agree with her sense of humor. She gets support emails and she also gets hate mail. Her responses to the hate mail is beyond hilarious and some of her cover letters are priceless. Like I said, a great read. I am about 75 pages from finishing so I'll let you know how it ends.

July 16, 2010

I finished reading the book last night. She ended up being without a job for two years. Her husband got a job right when they were about to get evicted from their apartment (and, were going to be moving home with her Mom). She did get an interview from a company she had pursued at some point in those two years. She got the job, however, she turned it down. She, obviously, is now a writer and still has her Jennsylvania blog.

Again, great book. A must read!

Interview Code & Conduct

I had a job interview today. Well, actually it was a group interview. I think there was about 10 of us in the interview. We had to take three different tests, and answer a lot of questions. I was there for an hour and a half. Bug. Anyways...I am amazed at some of the people that showed up to the interview. Now, myself, I wore black plants and a nice white shirt. I figured if I got called back for a second interview, I would pull out the suit jacket. But, let me tell you the kind of stuff I saw.

1. One lady had on flip flops, shorts, tank top and was chewing gum.
2. One lady said, "do they sell food here?" Now, I won't mention where I had my interview at, but no, they don't sell food. They sell "treats." If you don't know what the company sells that you're going to for the interview, maybe you should investigate a little more first.
3. A cell phone ringing.
4. Several people had their resumes in torn envelopes or folders with chicken scratches all over the front.
5. Another lady had fake nails, and they were each at least 4 different colors. It looked like a splash of colors on each nail. Tacky!

I kind of sense that the younger crowd tends to be a little more prepared. We're dressed more appropriate and have the tools needed for an interview. I feel like some of the older crowd may not be familiar with the interview process and the standards of practice for an interview.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a 2nd interview.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Wonder what Patti Stanger would say?

I've known this guy since I was 18, going to Tremors. We're friends on Facebook, and here is our most recent conversation. It really amazes me when you're up front and honest with someone how the truth comes out.

"B" = Boy
"M" = Me

B: you never answer my question about hookin up.
M: I thought you had a girlfriend?
B: No
M: When did you guys breakup?
B: What you dont want to hook up???
M: Not if you have a girlfriend...and, I don't do "hookups" anymore. I'm not going to find a husband by doing "hookups."
B: Come on i know you want to!
M: Ha. Of course hooking up is always something I want to do, but no random hookups for me anymore.
B: is that a no
M: Yes, it's a no.
B: I leave you alone then

Thirty minutes later I get this email...

B: Your lost....it could hav been a great start of a relationship:(
M: You asked me to hook up...nothing about a start of a relationship.
B: .... that how it works!
M: That's how what works?
B: My relationships.....sex first then get to know each other
M: I would have done that back in the day, but now that I'm 31 yrs old I want someone who wants to take me on a date first and get to know me. I'm not saying waiting a long time to have sex, but it's gotta be about more than just that.
B: I dont take girls on date just girlfriends

Friday, July 9, 2010


Wow, I got a lot going on which means I've got a lot to get off my chest. Where do I even start? Do you ever feel like everyone is out to get you? That no matter what you say or do, it's just never good enough. I sit back and think how celebrities are in the lime light and take the public scrutiny that they get day in and day out. I could never do it. My skin isn't thick enough. Maybe I don't word things properly. Maybe I speak at the wrong times. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I've come to the conclusion that I am definitely doing SOMETHING wrong. It started out last week when I vented about someone and their personal story. I take full responsibility that I shouldn't have said what I said about her, and that I should have just vented about me, and only me. Long story obviously, but me being called heartless really bothered me. Then what happened tonight when all I was thinking about was basketball. Why in the world would I downplay someone else's depression or sadness? Never would I do that. I feel like no matter what level of depression you have, it's not to be measured against someone else's. What is important to me, may not be important to someone else. What is stressful to me, may not be stressful to someone else. Since I'm not working, it gives me a lot of time to think (more than I care too). I think about how to become a better person. I think about how I can make my relationships with people better and stronger. I think about what kind of life I want for myself. I feel like all this thinking and processing should be improving my life. But, it's not. I feel like everything is caving in on me at one time, and I may just break. I get to the point where I just want to shut every single person out of my life to prevent any type of hurt or pain that I may cause or that may be inflicted upon me. Is that healthy? I would say most doctors would say no. But, it's what I feel inside. I feel like I stay home and like being home alone because it's safe. I won't get hurt by other's words and like I said, I can't hurt others with my words. I feel like that lady on Celebrity Rehab where all she wanted was her birds because they couldn't hurt her like people do. I get to that point where I just want to shut down all social networks and block every person from my phone. I just want someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong. I want someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do in these situations. My Dad always says that you have to believe in yourself and that if you know you're a good person that's all that matters. I really truly believe that about myself, but it's hard to keep believing that when people are constantly getting angry with you or thinking that your words or actions are anything but good intentions. I let all these feelings and emotions just build up inside me and I wish I could yell, scream or cry them out, but I can't. If I started to cry or scream, I'm afraid I would never stop. Both my Mom (that's a whole other story) and Dad have said that I haven't grieved about Joey. I've heard Dr. Phil and I've read online that there are stages of grief. I'm not sure I've hit any of those stages. (1) Shock & Denial - I don't remember being in shock that Joey was sick and going to pass away. I don't remember ever being in denial about it. I don't think I'm in denial now. Maybe I am because I'm not grieving? (2) Pain & Guilt - Obviously, I have pain over losing him. I do believe I may have some guilt. I feel like I should have been there before he got so sick that I couldn't talk to him or have him know I was there holding his hand and that it was OK to go. (3) Anger & Bargaining - I've never been anger about Joey passing and I wouldn't bargain to have him back or for anything to be different because I do believe that he was tired and that it was his time to go. (4) Depression, Reflection and Loneliness - I feel like this everyday. I'm not sure how much is about life in general and how much is about Joey. I miss him deeply and he fulfilled such a big part of my life.

(5) The Up word Turn
(6) Reconstruction & Working Through
(7) Acceptance & Hope

These are the last three. Again, I'm not sure I can separate my feelings here between Joey and everything else that has been going with my job situation. Maybe when I get the job situation in a place where I'm happy, I can finally sort my feelings out when it comes to Joey. Again, I don't think I've really hit any of these stages of grief. I don't remember ever really crying after he past away. I know I was deeply sadden and I wanted people to leave me alone, but I only remember crying one time really hard and that was when I was talking to Jennifer. I wonder if grief can come in 5 years or if there really is a time frame to grieve. (Note to self: email Dr. Phil)

I really am turning this over to God because at this point, I feel like I don't know how to make things better.