Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sober Living

Sometimes I wonder why I've never drank or did drugs. I realize I wasn't one of those kids growing up with drug addicted parents or a kid who moved from home to home because her parents didn't want her. I don't have some tragic life story like some use for their addictive behavior. A lot of it I think is because I never liked to get in trouble so I never did anything wrong. Still till this day with dealing with my emotions/feelings, I tend to not tell people what I'm really feeling or thinking, because if I did, they would probably think I was crazy, maybe even suicidal. My parents got divorced when I was in middle school, and I wasn't one of those kids that rebelled. I didn't start skipping school or hanging out with the wrong crowd. I've lost a Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt, and I didn't rebell then either. Granted, I wasn't super close to my Grandparents, but my Aunt I was. Along with the rest of the world, I've had my heart broken in every relationship I've ever had. And, then in 2008, I lost Joey. I still didn't rebell or turn to drugs/alcohol. I think starting somewhere around 2007-2008 I became clinically depressed. I am still depressed, and sometimes I think it's getting worse. Yet, I still don't turn to drugs or alcohol. I think knowing that addiction to alcohol runs through my family keeps me from drinking too. So, going through all these heartaches have I suffered more because I've never done any self medicating?

I wish now that I would have never bought my plane ticket to New York. I wasn't obsessing over Will and I wasn't heartbroken. I was enjoying the weather changing and dealing with my unemployment. Now, I'm heartbroken and overall just miserable. If I would have never gone to New York I wouldn't have wasted my Christmas money and I wouldn't have to deal with people asking me what happened. I can't wait till next week when everyone starts asking how my trip was. I wouldn't be feeling how I'm feeling. I've gotten quite good at not feeling anything for guys because if I do this is what happens. MISERY! I think I'm so unhappy because I really needed this trip and to have fun. Like I've said before I had all these ideas of what my week in New York would be like. I hate this feeling of wondering if Will is ever going to BBM me and find out what happened. If he does, I have a feeling it'll be when I'm done being sad and I'm over it.

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