Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"I want to forgive you and I want to forget you."

I've been having a lot of trouble figuring out what forgiveness means and, most importantly how to forgive. From the friendly advice I've received on the World Wide Web it seems as though forgiveness is a choice...it can cause stress...and it gives the other person the power. I guess for me I feel like if I forgive then that provides an open door for that person to come back into my life. But, that's not true. I can forgive what they did or said, but that doesn't mean I have to have them in my life again. Obviously, if I could find it in myself to forgive more then I would have more people in my life. Hopefully, I figure out this whole forgiveness thing soon.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sober Living

Sometimes I wonder why I've never drank or did drugs. I realize I wasn't one of those kids growing up with drug addicted parents or a kid who moved from home to home because her parents didn't want her. I don't have some tragic life story like some use for their addictive behavior. A lot of it I think is because I never liked to get in trouble so I never did anything wrong. Still till this day with dealing with my emotions/feelings, I tend to not tell people what I'm really feeling or thinking, because if I did, they would probably think I was crazy, maybe even suicidal. My parents got divorced when I was in middle school, and I wasn't one of those kids that rebelled. I didn't start skipping school or hanging out with the wrong crowd. I've lost a Grandma, Grandpa and Aunt, and I didn't rebell then either. Granted, I wasn't super close to my Grandparents, but my Aunt I was. Along with the rest of the world, I've had my heart broken in every relationship I've ever had. And, then in 2008, I lost Joey. I still didn't rebell or turn to drugs/alcohol. I think starting somewhere around 2007-2008 I became clinically depressed. I am still depressed, and sometimes I think it's getting worse. Yet, I still don't turn to drugs or alcohol. I think knowing that addiction to alcohol runs through my family keeps me from drinking too. So, going through all these heartaches have I suffered more because I've never done any self medicating?

I wish now that I would have never bought my plane ticket to New York. I wasn't obsessing over Will and I wasn't heartbroken. I was enjoying the weather changing and dealing with my unemployment. Now, I'm heartbroken and overall just miserable. If I would have never gone to New York I wouldn't have wasted my Christmas money and I wouldn't have to deal with people asking me what happened. I can't wait till next week when everyone starts asking how my trip was. I wouldn't be feeling how I'm feeling. I've gotten quite good at not feeling anything for guys because if I do this is what happens. MISERY! I think I'm so unhappy because I really needed this trip and to have fun. Like I've said before I had all these ideas of what my week in New York would be like. I hate this feeling of wondering if Will is ever going to BBM me and find out what happened. If he does, I have a feeling it'll be when I'm done being sad and I'm over it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

When Did I Become

I woke up this morning in New York City. How often can someone say that in their lifetime? Well, unless you live here or are a celebrity. I even went on a little adventure today. I just started walking, and ended up at a diner. The outside looked like it was straight from the 60's. That is now the second time I have dined by myself at a restaurant. Amazingly enough, people really don't stare at you as much as you think they are. I got to see Time Square last night. We just drove around...I can't wait to actually walk around and take pictures.

What if you spend all your time talking to someone via email and/or text for over three years, and in those three years you've actually seen them in person three times. How well can you really know someone without actually being with them?

Sadly enough, I wrote those first two paragraphs while sitting on Will's bed in New York. Even more sad, is that I'm now writing this portion sitting on my couch in Indiana. I have been packing and planning for this trip for a month. I had been counting down the days on my BBM and on my calendar hanging on the wall. I even was working out a lot for christ sakes. I literally started packing the day after I bought my plane ticket. I got a bunch of St. Patrick's Day gear and a few new shirts that were not t-shirts. That month went by so fast surprisingly enough. Who knew my trip to New York would be as short as it was? I left on Saturday morning heading to Chicago to catch my flight to New York. Who would have guessed that my flight ended up getting cancelled? However, I did end up seeing Willie from Day 26. Hot, but definitely not a show-stopper like I thought he would be. Sunday, I finally make it to New York at about 6:30. I was so happy to see Will. I came down the escalator and there he was standing at the bottom waiting for me. You know like you see in the movies? The next few days are kind of a blur unfortunately. I was so happy to finally be part of his environment and see where and how he lives. I feel so at ease when I'm with him. Like nothing else in the world really matters at that particular time.

You know what I loved about Joey so much? We had so much in common. Or, maybe it was just because Joey was so easy going. He would sit and watch a whole marathon of Gilmore Girls, and not complain once. He went to see Christina Aguilera in concert with me. You know what I love about Will? We have absolutely nothing in common. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't know who Kim Kardashian is. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't know who Day 26 is. It doesn't bother me that we listened to a.m. stations in his car. I like that he reads books about the Civil War. I like that he watches The Simpsons and Family Guy. I'm fascinated that he has traveled all over the world. I'm fascinated that he works 24/7, and loves it. I've never known anyone who surfs or runs marathons. The only marathons me and my friends know are the marathons on E! network about the Kardashians. I like that he doesn't own a pair of jeans, and only wears khakis. I love how handsome he looks in a suit and tie.

I'm honestly not sure what would have been worse. Coming home early or coming home on Saturday after having an amazing time with him, and feeling so sad to leave him. I think I had this premonition of what our week together was going to be like. We would stay up all night talking or lack there of. He would get up for work and come home for "lunch." He would leave work early so we could hang out in the city or go for a walk. I was excited to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade with him and cruse around Time Square. I wanted to walk in Central Park with him and hold his hand. I wanted to learn all those little quirks about him that I didn't know yet.

I'm angry at myself for letting him get to me like this. I feel selfish for thinking how bad things were for me because of what happened, when at the end of the day, he was going through a tough time with his daughter being sick. I'm jealous that he has a daughter with another woman. He's 34 years old, and was finally a guy I knew with no kids, and now he shares that bond with a woman. I'm angry that I let myself get excited about something so big and again got let down. I'm angry that I've been sitting here all day waiting for that ring tone to go off on my phone that I have a BBM. There are no excuses how he treated me when I was there.

When did I become this person? A few years ago, I would have called him as soon as he sent me that BBM that I needed to leave. I would have called a thousand times leaving nasty messages to make myself feel better. I would have text him and BBM'd him. I would have left a note at his apartment for when he got home. When did I become so indecisive? I used to wake up everyday with a game plan. Now, I get up and can't decide if I should stay in bed or hit the couch. I leave my apartment planning on going to the tanning bed, and before I get out of my apartment complex I don't feel like going anymore. I used to love making plans with people. I loved knowing what was going to happen. Now, I don't like having plans with people, because I don't know if I'm going to feel like doing anything that day. I used to like to talk about every single little feeling I had, and now I just don't wanna talk at all. When did I become so closed off?

I always see quotes floating around out there about you making your own destiny or you're responsible for your future. You get my drift. I'm trying to tell myself that this is true, but my depression just takes over, and I can't even get myself off the couch. I think me actually working out before New York had a lot to do with my mood changing. I was actually happy and excited about something. Right now as I sit here, I can't imagine getting up off this couch, and facing the world. I needed this trip to New York more than I've needed anything in a long time. I honestly cannot remember the last time I woke up and was happy with my life. Everyday I sit here on the couch watching endless hours of TV and checking status updates on Facebook I'm wasting time. I'm 30 years old!! I should be working and in a happy loving relationship with someone. Sometimes I think I'm being punished for something I did or said, but when is the punishment going to end?

When did I become this person I don't recognize anymore?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Ironic? I think Not.

This is why I don't get my hopes up for things anymore because somehow I'm always disappointed. Today, was supposed to be the day I went to New York. Instead, I'm stuck in Chicago in a hotel by myself. Apparently, the rain was to bad in New York so all flights were cancelled. I'm supposed to leave tomorrow morning to Detroit, and then from there to New York. If the weather isn't better though, I'll be going home. Ironic how I'm in Chicago, yet still alone and inside on a Saturday night. Awesome. Thank goodness for Wifi and a flat screen TV. Thinking about hitting up the vending machine in a minute. I guess people say this is a life lesson and it'll give me experience. Surprisngly enough I didn't freak out or cry that I had to find a hotel and get myself here. Thank goodness for my Dad who helped me figure it out. My Mom on the other hand still hasn't spoken to me. Awesome.

Well, guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.