Sunday, January 10, 2010

To hold a grudge, or to not hold a grudge?

I sit and think often if I push people away that I've met throughout my life. I'm not one of those people that still have life long friends in my life. I don't talk to my childhood best friend. I don't speak to any of the four girls I ran around with in high school. I've actually learned that for some reason, one of those girls dislikes me quite a bit. I don't even know why we stopped talking in the first place. I find that when people hurt my feelings or we encounter some sort of confrontation that I just run away from it. Should I make more of an effort to fix our relationship than just run from it? For example, I have one friend who hurt my feelings more than words can express when I was going through the loss of Joey. My Dad tells me I need to forgive her. Although, he may be right, I think we've both changed, and we wouldn't be able to remain friends even if I did forgive her. But, should I forgive her for my own well-being? I feel like if I forgive her, I'm saying what she did was OK. I feel like if I forgive her, somehow Joey will know I let her get away with what she did and say. Maybe I don't know how to forgive? Can forgiveness be taught, cause I could sure use a lesson. I've had another friend since I worked at my first law firm. She's always been there for important events in my life or whenever I needed a friend to talk to. I always considered her a "big sister." Suddenly, she just stopped speaking to me. Do I attempt to find out why, or just let it be? Sometimes, I feel like trying to resolve the issue takes so much more energy then just letting things be.

I guess what is bringing on all these hypothetical questions about forgiveness is that it's Saturday night and here I am sitting home all alone. I cannot remember the last time someone called me, and said, "hey, what are you doing Friday/Saturday night?" Maybe it's because I don't have a job, and so they think there isn't anything for us to do. But, to be honest, I didn't have anyone calling me when I did have a job.

Tonight, I'm looking at my Facebook page and I have 180 friends. If I deleted my Facebook page tonight, how many of those 180 people would realize I deleted my page? I bet not many. For the first time in months, I actually made an attempt to see what a few people were doing tonight. Yep, all were busy. I guess it just sucks when you realize that you're not the first person people think of when they want to go out and have fun.

I know I have to take into consideration that a lot ... no, I'm sorry, ALL of my friends either have kids, boyfriends, married, or a combination. But, it still stinks that when they do want to get out, that I'm not on the top of their list to call and see what's up. I'm not sure if people think I'm exaggerating when I say I sit at home every weekend night, but I do.

I have to admit that there have been times when I've been invited to tag along to gatherings with certain people, and I've stayed home instead. But, the times I have put myself out there and tagged along, I don't seem to really have fun. These people are not my friends. They are not looking to make any new friends. And, I can't remember the last time I actually did something that I thought was fun.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a tough cookie to get along with. I don't open up to people well, and I don't put myself out there to really get a chance to open up to people. So, overall, I guess it's a lost cause.

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