Sunday, March 18, 2018


I've never been one to have a plethora of friends. In high school there were four of us that hung out all the time. I honestly cannot remember what happened with my friendship with those girls. I know the other three are still close. Two were sisters and the other actually married their brother. I've heard over the years that the girl I was in the same grade with and who was my best friend, does not like me. Again, I cannot remember why our friendship ended.

In college, I had four girls I hung out with. The one I was closest with said some things when Joey died that I've forgiven her for but, haven't forgotten. She's probably one of the most shadiest girls I've ever met. She will literally do anything to get with a guy. She may not be that way now but, she's just someone I don't want in my life. One of the other girls, was one of my best friends for years after college. It's been two or three years since we hung out last. We just didn't vibe that last night I saw her. I think we both needed a break from each other. A break that has now lasted two or three years. She's been with the same guy for 12 years and it's safe to say, I dislike him with every fiber of my being. It's hard for me to sit back and watch him treat my friend like shit.  It's even harder for me to sit back and watch her allow him to treat her like shit. Unfortunately, I would say he is much of the reason I have not tried reaching out. I'm not saying we've not all let a guy walk all over us and treat us like shit. Just not for 12 years. The third girl, I became close with when we met each other through our boyfriends. Years and years ago, we had a following out. She remembers the story one way and I remember it another. I have learned over the years that you can't discount how someone feels or how they remember something happening. We've both put the past behind us and she's currently one of my best friends. She's that friend you can call anytime of day and go lay in bed with her if you just need some girl time.  The fourth girl I became closer with when we started working together in 2005. Till this day, she's my absolute best friend. She's my sole mate. She probably understands me better than I understand myself. She knows me better than anyone. 

I've met a few girls over the years at work who I adore. They have husbands and kids and we just simply never hang out. I love them all dearly though.  

When Joey and I were together, we'd fight often about his acquaintances vs. his friends. I tried to tell him that all these people he hangs out with at the club are not his friends.

I need meaningful conversation and someone I can share everything with. I don't do small talk well. In high school I remember going to one party in four years. In college, I went to a few more but, they still were not a good time for me. I've tried hanging out with my sister's friends and my best friend's friends. I just don't connect with any of them. I've struggled over the years trying to differentiate between things I just simply don't enjoy and things I need to step out of my comfort zone for. I've decided that parties and group dinners are not for me. I sit there the whole trying to find someone to talk to (since I'm always by myself).  I sit there full of anxiety and counting down until I can appropriately cutout. I've done this several times and the anticipation and anxiety is simply not worth it for me. I'd much rather stay home in my onesie. 

My point in all of this, is that I don't just befriend anyone. If i invest my time in you, it's because I care. It's because I like you. When I started my new job in August 2017, there were several new girls for me to meet. There was one girl though, that I was instantly drawn to. She was hilarious and witty. If you can make me laugh, then I'm hooked.  I would talk to her everyday at work. We would talk at night on social media. We went to lunch and dinner a few times. I met her kids. We exchanged Christmas gifts. We both had the same mantra that if your friend does something that pissed you off, you tell her. If you're that good of friends, then you be honest, talk about it, and move on. 

A few weeks ago, something happened with this friend. She stopped responding to my texts, FB messages, FB comments, and became cold to me in person. I tried setting a lunch date with her so we could talk but, she wasn't available. Finally, after sleepless nights (literally), I texted her one morning and asked if she had time at work to come to my office so we could talk. She decided to respond via text. My thoughts are that if a friend is telling you she feels awkward around you and feels like something has changed, you'd march right up to her office and make things OK. That didn't happen.  After only 2 or 3 text messages, I went down to her desk to talk to her after work. It felt very cold to me and like I was bothering her. She brought up a few instances at work but, didn't point blank say it was something she was mad at me for. She threw a few jabs. I point blank told her that I felt things had changed. I asked if I did anything or, if someone said something about me to her. When I walked away from the conversation, I knew our friendship was over. Something had changed. After all the talks we had about being honest with each other, she was anything but that. I haven't spoken to her since. A few people have asked me what's going on (they must notice that we are not speaking). I simply say I don't know. I can't tell anyone what happened, because I don't know what happened. It's cost me sleep and anxiety. In life, I guess you just have to know when to let things be. I feel like I did what I could to talk to her and find out if I did something wrong. There's nothing more I feel I can do. It's sad because I don't invest my time in just anyone.

Monday, January 1, 2018

First Day of 2018

As I sit here on the couch for literally the fourth day in a row (I'm sick), I reflect on 2017. 

My new job I started in August is still going great. I am learning a lot and staying busier than I have ever been. I really enjoy the people I work with. I don't remember ever laughing this much at my previous job.  We've had a cookout, monthly breakfasts, and our Christmas party which have all been a lot of fun. I recently got a good review along with a raise and a bonus. I honestly couldn't be happier where I am at. 

I'd say my most memorable moment of 2017 was when I went to St. Joseph, Michigan. I think about it often and cannot wait to go back this spring/summer. 

I am still boxing, which I love. I was hitting the gym pretty much every night after work and some weekends. However, I had some esophageal problems which caused me to miss a few weeks and I lost motivation. I am having an endoscopy done in two weeks to see what's going on. I definitely want to get my motivation back and get back into the gym at least 3-4 nights a week. Going is the hardest part, right? 

I am looking forward to 2018. It's exciting to think what can happen in 365 days. It's also scary to think what can happen in 365 days. I can't help but to pray this will be the year I find love. I used to pray this will be the year I find a new job. I can check that off my list. I worry about the state of our country, but have to remember there are good people out there.

Here's to a happy 2018!!

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Change of mind

Couple of weeks ago, I went to Half Price Books because I was running low on books at home. I always go straight to the memoir section. I'll first see if I can find any books on my Goodreads' list. Then I'll go through the books and if I think one looks good, I'll pull it up on Goodreads and see how many stars it has. When I looked up A Mother's Reckoning - Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy, it had over 4 stars. I didn't even read what the book was about. Anyone else do that? I kind of like opening a new book with no indication of what it's about. Sometimes it's a disappointing risk and sometimes it proves worth it as it did in this case. 

Much to my surprise, this book was written by Sue Klebold, the mother of Dylan Klebold who was one of the two kids that caused the Columbine High School massacre. I believe Sue did an excellent job conveying her grief while being respectful to the others involved. I hope those that were injured, or lost a loved one feel the same. Sue's story really touched me as well because I have personally spoken with a mother whose son caused a college murder - suicide here in Indiana. 

If you're one to sit back and judge a family like the Klebold's, I highly suggest reading Sue's book. Dylan wasn't a kid who grew up in an abusive home, lacked food or shelter, or love. In fact, he grew up with the complete opposite. His parents were also very anti-gun. What bothered me the most reading her story is that she had NO idea what Dylan was feeling or planning until six months after the incident when the police finally walked her through what Dylan and his friend had done. They also released Dylan's journals and videos he had made with his friend. She had no idea he was depressed and struggling with bullying at school. He had friends and participated in sports, and just three days prior to the massacre, he had gone to prom. His irritability and lack of communication was chalked up to him being a teenage boy. In fact, reading some of her stories, I related to him as a teenager. Teenagers are moody and are experiencing a million different hormones. I, too, would have just thought he was being a typical teenager. After hearing the details of Dylan's plan prior to the actual massacre, Sue and her husband, Tom found out that at least once, Dylan had weapons in their house. 

My point to this blog is that I relate it to the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why in that you never know what people are going through -- even when they are your kids. I have been a huge advocate of the series 13 Reasons Why. I don't think it glamorizes suicide at all. I think it is an honest depiction of what bullying can lead to. I think it can show anyone (including me who graduated high school 19 years ago what an asshole I probably was in school) what bullying can do to someone. Even the smallest words or actions can affect someone deeply. What Sue's book did change my mind about is this.

In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah is shown buying the razor blades she will use to slit her wrists and then Hannah is shown slitting her wrists and dying in a tub full of water. Because I am not eductated on this topic, Sue's book provided me with knowledge and information on what i did not realize could be very dangerous to some watching. She states that: 

"We know, without a doubt, that exposure to suicide or suicidal behavior can influence other vulnerable people to make an attempt. Over fifty studies worldwide have powerfully connected news coverage of suicides to an increased incidence of similar, or copycat suicides." 

It makes sense, right? How many copycats have there been with serial killers? This blew me away. It really made me think that if showing Hannah's suicide would prompt others to copy what she had done, then showing it was a mistake. Hannah's suicide was not by any means original. In fact, it was very unoriginal. Perhaps showing Hannah's suicide is just what that vulnerable person watching needed to see to move forward with their thought of suicide.  

I hope Sue's book brings awareness to these incidents that our Country continues to endure and to suicide. 

On April 20, 1999, 15 people lost their lives. 12 students and one teacher by murder, and two boys by suicide.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Brain fog

The last few weeks, I feel like I've been going through life in a fog. I feel mentally there while I'm at work, but then afterwards, I just zone out. Maybe it's from starting a new job. Physically, I haven't felt great either. I'm starting to keep a daily diary of how I'm feeling. I'm wondering if the pure exhaustion I had there for a week or so was PMS. I wasnt tired or sleepy. I was exhausted. I was in bed by 8:30 most nights. For the past two weeks I've literally had a headache everyday which is putting a hold on my working out. Not sure if it's allergies or PMS. The two days I did feel good, I worked out and then ended up with a migraine after. It's frustrating when I want to work out, but I can't. I know I could workout even though I have a headache, but it makes it worse and makes me feel sick to my stomach. It's just simply not worth it. My primary Doctor finally referred me to a GI specialist. While I haven't had the extreme chest pains I've had in the past, I still think I need to see specialist. I see him in November.

I'm frustrated too with my lack of weightloss. I know my eating habits are the biggest contributor to not losing weight. I look back at how long I've been busting my ass in the gym and compare that to the weightloss and it's just not adding up. It's not like I sit around eating Bon Bons every night. But I do like my Mexican food. I don't like cooking and meal planning just isn't my strongest attribute. My biggest problem is trying to find things to bring for lunch. I feel like the weekends are short enough and trying to add in meal prep stresses me out. I do know that I've gotten stronger since I started working out. I can feel the muscles in my legs from the stair stepper and I can definitely feel the muscles in my arms from lifting weights. They just aren't noticeable if you're looking at me. I'm not really one to care what people think about me. But, I get embarrassed when people know I go to the gym a lot and then they see me and I haven't lost much weight. I have a doctors appointment in October and I'm going to  talk to her about my medications. I know the medicine I take to help me sleep can cause extreme weight gain.  

The new job is going really well. Every single time I walk into MY office, I have a moment of gratitude. I cannot believe I have my own office and a door to shut. My boss is really nice and laid back. The firm treats us really well with cookouts and breakfasts. It's been so refreshing to work with attorneys who participate in their practice and provide insight and feedback. 

I was watching Life of Kylie last Sunday (don't judge me) and a friend of Kylie's mom's knew a girl who has Cystic Fibrosis and she's a big fan of Kylie's. Kylie and Jordyn surprise the girl by going to her house to hang out. I think the girl was roughly 12 years old and she was on oxygen. Kylie got into her car and started crying. At the end of the episode, they flashed the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's information on the screen. The awareness and exposure that Kylie's show provided for CF was amazing. It definitely surprised me when she said the girl had Cystic Fibrosis. It's like when I've watched Grey's Anatomy and they have a patient with Cysitc Fibrosis. It just throws you off-guard. 

I think about Joey everyday whether it's because I see or hear something that reminds me of him. Those thoughts are always brief. I know subconsciously though that the thought of Joey is with me more than I realize. If I step back and evaluate why I'm feeling the way I do, I can sometimes feel that it's because the loss of Joey is hidden deep down somewhere. More than anything, I just wonder what our relationship would be today if he were here. Would we still be best friends? Would we be married? Would he be married to someone else? 

I'm currently reading A Mother's Reckoning by Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the Columbine shooters. I cannot wait to finish this book and then blog about it. The one chapter just may have changed my view on the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why. Hopefully, I'll finish it today and can start working on a blog post. 

My iPad is about to run out of juice and Jamison is insistent on sitting on my lap. So I guess I gotta wrap this up. 

Happy Caturday, everyone!   

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Finally, good news!

I started working for my current boss on December 29, 2010. When I was hired, it was on a temporary basis. He does not offer insurance so I had no intention of sticking around. Now it's 2017 and I'm still here. Over the course of the last 6.5 years, I have applied to multiple places and have had several interviews. I can only recall two jobs that I really wanted over the last 6.5 years. Today, I went back through my "Job" folder saved in my email and I have 202 emails from December 2010 until the present. I was going to go through and see how many jobs I applied for, how many rejections I got without an interview, and how many interviews I went on. I just don't have that kind of time though. It's really not important. What is important is that I went on my last interview a week ago today. I had an interview at a law firm at 8:00 a.m., left at 8:45 a.m., and was hired at 11:30 a.m. Needless to say, when I got the offer letter, I sat in my car and cried. The money is not much more than what I am making now. However, I will have health benefits for the first time since 2009. I will also have an assistant and my own office. This job also required that I have a bachelor's degree. For the first time since graduating college 16 years ago, getting my bachelor's degree finally paid off. 

I am so ready to embark on this new journey. Wish me luck!! 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

St. Joseph

Last week was the 4th of July and my birthday. Since our office was closed Monday and Tuesday, I decided to take the whole week off. I don't think I've ever taken Monday through Friday off before.

Monday, I went to Firekeepers casino with my mom and step-dad. I had never been gambling before. We played the penny slots. Took me a bit to get into it, but I found this game that I really liked. I had fun.  I couldn't afford to do it often though. I lost roughly $60.

Tuesday, I went to the gym and watched the fireworks with the family.

Wednesday, I went to the water park in Marion with my mom, niece, and her boyfriend. We had dinner at Wings, Etc. that night. It was a fun day.

My goal for my vacation was to be in the sun and around water as much as possible. I wanted to go to the beach and listen to the water. After asking around, I decided on St. Joseph, MI. It was about a 2.5 hour drive. I got there Thursday around 12:30. I went straight to the beach at Tiscornia Park. I found that this beach was less popular than Silver Beach. Plus, it had a view of a lighthouse. The water was super warm. I ended up sitting in the water and reading my book.

I got hungry, so I packed my stuff up and went to Sch's Grill & Bar. Of course, I had to get the fish tacos. They were good - not great, but good. 

After I ate, I walked around St. Joseph. There are little gift shops. I stopped in at Kilwin's and got chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I then drove back over to Tiscornia Park and stopped at West Basin Marina to walk around and look at the boats. 

I then drove back up to the beach so I could walk down to the lighthouse. Nothing better than feeling like you're right in the middle of the lake with nothing around you. 

I decided to sit in the shade and read my book for a little bit. There were some people that walked around, but otherwise, it was fairly quiet. I read and watched the boats fly by. 

I was loving St. Joseph so much, I didn't want to leave. I got on Facebook and went to nearby places and found a few hotels nearby. One had horrible reviews. I found a bed & breakfast that had great reviews. I walked back to my car and drove to the bed & breakfast. I went inside and asked if they had a room.  They had one room left and I took it! I paid, went to my room, and immediately took a shower. Thankfully, they had shampoo and body wash in the shower and they both smelled amazing! I put my dress back on and went down to the patio, with my book, and this view. Could you just die? 

Here's a picture of the patio I was sitting on. I felt like I was just hanging out at a friend's house. There were two couples sitting out there and they were both really nice. 

Another view of the Inn.

And....the beginning of the sunset. It was breathtaking. No amount of pictures could capture this view (even though I tried). 

I watched the sunset, went back up to the patio, read some more, and then went to my room. 

The next morning, I went downstairs for breakfast and back to this view. Could you imagine waking up to this every morning? 

St. Joseph was seriously one of the coolest places I've ever been. It was absolutely beautiful.  I will be going back and soon! 

Oh, the inn was called South Cliff Inn. I highly recommend it.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Hope is out of my reach

I can't believe I haven't put anyone on blast for over a year and a half! I love documenting these stories because I seriously could not make them up.

Sunday, I went to a charity golf event. I had a blast. I met a lot of people and unbeknownst to me, a lot of people I went to high school with. A few Facebook friend requests were exchanged with some of the people from the event.  

Yesterday, I got an email from one of the guys. He sent me a message on Facebook and we went back and forth and then things started to get a little flirtatious. Naturally, being the stalker that I am, I had already checked out his Facebook and it said he was single. After realizing that he had several kids (all very young and clearly all related) and was a few years younger than me, I found it odd that he was single. After looking through pictures on Facebook, I figured out who the mom is to his children. I clicked on her profile and both her profile picture and cover picture are of their family (him included). Her relationship status was either blocked, or empty because it didn't say anything. We ended up exchanging numbers in the meantime and started texting. I finally hinted around to his relationship status. He told me that him and the girl live together, love their children very much, and they were the best of friends. I asked if he was married and he said "No, ma'am." I asked him if his children's mom read our text messages if she would be upset. He said, "She's a woman. So, yes." Whether she's a woman or not, that was the only answer I needed. Don't get me wrong, I had no intention of pursuing it further even IF they are really just friends.  Their cohabitation is just not something I want to insert myself into.  The fact that both of her pictures on Facebook are of their family confirmed she's still invested in this relationship. Needless to say, I stopped texting him and deleted the thread on my phone.

I had dinner last night with a girlfriend and told her the story. I said, part of me wants to put a status update on Facebook telling people that online dating hasn't worked for me, I don't go out much, but I'm looking for a single guy and does anyone know of someone. She has a boyfriend, but all of his friends are married. She texted a girlfriend of hers who knows a lot of people and her response was that she knew a few single guys, but wouldn't set me up with them. She texted another girlfriend and she had the same response.

It's hard to have hope when things like this happen.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Depression, Anxiety, and Power

Depression can be hard to talk about and most definitely embarrassing. I guess for me, I don't want people to have this misconception about me if I tell them I am depressed. I imagine people thinking I'm a wind up doll in one of those anti-depressant commercials. HA!

I'm big on inspirational quotes and have had my fair share of "ah ha" moments. The ones I struggle with most, are the quotes that read similar to this one... 

Is it that simple to choose to be happy even if you suffer from depression? I definitely think there are situations that I can choose to be happy about, or grateful for. On a day-to-day basis though, I struggle with the element of happiness.  No matter how many pep talks I give myself, I just can't get there. I think that goes along with finding a purpose in life which I am still searching for. Certainly, there's more to life than work and household chores. As I've gotten older and more aware of my feelings, I can appreciate those days when mentally I feel good.  Those days may be minimal, but I have them and am grateful.  

Unlike with depression, I can normally pinpoint why I am feeling anxious.  Is it preventable? I'm beginning to think that some of the time it is.  I have come to agree with this quote... 
"If you are depressed you are living in the past.  If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present." 
Having read this quote over and over, it took me a long time to realize that it is, in fact true. If I am anxious, it is because I am thinking about the future. It may be because I am dreading work, an obligation I have, or a conversation.

Depression makes me feel lethargic.  Anxiety gives me high energy. Yesterday, I had horrible anxiety. I went to the gym and hit a personal record on the stair stepper and then worked out with my trainer. I never could have done that without the added energy from the anxiety. Anxiety makes me want to push harder and sweat more so I don't have to feel anything.  As soon as I stop moving, I am fully aware of my anxiety again. While I hate feeling anxious, it can be a blessing at the gym.

I have a hard enough time keeping my mood swings in check that I have got to stop giving other people the power to dictate my mood. That power can sometimes change my mood in a mere instant. What bothers me the most is that I often give this power to people I don't care about. I struggle with this mostly at work. I do think a lot of it is my personality. Perhaps letting shit go comes with age? Maybe I've not yet found the right tools that work for me to deal? Of course, there are some days when what may have bothered me today does not bother me tomorrow. I realize I can't control other people's actions and my surroundings at all times (i.e. at work with my co-workers).What I do know is that I need to start controlling the situations that I can. I need to stop putting myself around people that I know will take that power from me.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

International Women’s Day

I did not participate in the Women's March earlier this year.  I'm not even sure Fort Wayne had a March. I would have had to take off work to travel to Chicago, or perhaps Indy. Although, I can't say I would have taken off work because the photos I saw of the March's around the Country were crazy. I love that all these women came together, but I probably would have had a panic attack.

I don't consider myself a Feminist. Yes, I believe women should have equal pay. Yes, I think women should have a say in their bodies. I just don't have a desire to participate in a March or devote my life to fighting for it.

Yesterday was International Women's Day and "A Day Without a Woman." Here's the notion:
On International Women's Day, March 8th, women and our allies will act together for equity, justice and the human rights of women and all gender-oppressed people, through a one-day demonstration of economic solidarity. 
 In the same spirit of love and liberation that inspired the Women's March, we join together in making March 8th A Day Without a Woman, recognizing the enormous value that women of all backgrounds add to our socio-economic system--while receiving lower wages and experiencing great inequities. We believe in gender justice. 
Like I said before, I'm not a Feminist and perhaps someone could enlighten me on the impact A Day Without a Woman had on our society. From my perspective, I feel like that is the exact opposite of what us women should be doing to make our point. Why not empower women to get an education and teach them to take care of themselves instead of relying a man to do it? Teach women that they can do anything they dream.

I admit I am a bit naive when it comes to equal pay. In my field, I am the majority. You do not find many men that are Paralegals or Legal Assistants. My pay is based on the firm I work for and my experience. Not to mention the city I live in.  Now if I were a lawyer or doctor I would probably run into more equal pay issues. I guess for me, I'm more concerned about the money I am making versus the money someone else is making. If I can take care of myself then why do I care what others are making? I definitely think I am underpaid compared to all of my friends who I graduated with (who are all women). However, I work for one attorney. They work for a firm with several attorneys. I can't compare apples to oranges.

I just don't agree with the message that yesterday could send to my teenage niece or my 11 year old niece.  We don't like how something is being done, so take the day off work. That's not the real world. That's not an effective solution.

I would love to hear from you if you did participate in A Day Without a Woman. What impact do you think it made?

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Lauren Graham a/k/a Lorelei Gilmore and all their wonderfulness

Anyone else like to write down their favorite quotes or highlight a favorite excerpt from a book? My Gratitude Journal has turned into a place where I write all of my favorite quotes. This blog has also been a source for me to keep my favorite excerpts from books. In my blog which you can read here, I quote an excerpt about depression. When I read The Secret, I made a lot of notes so that I could go back and re-read what I thought I may need reminded of in the future. 

I started reading Lauren Graham's book Talking As Fast As I Can. I was SO excited to read her book. She writes like she talks. Or, at least how Lorelei talks in Gilmore Girls. The first few chapters were not as great as I hoped. I got to the chapter titled 'Before My REI Card - Some Thoughts on Being Single.' The premise of this chapter is her being single and looking up one day and realizing all of her friends were married with children. She says "You guys, who's free for dinner Saturday? Oh, absolutely no one?" (I feel ya, Lauren. Let's do dinner.) She met her now boyfriend, Peter Krause (aka her brother, Adam on Parenthood) five years earlier at an awards show where they held hands walking out on stage and not knowing what their future held. On the set of Parenthood they clicked and started dating. Here's what she has to say: 
Last week I opened the car door and one of Peter's golf balls rolled out and onto the street, and I thought, there was a time when this would have been a very big deal. Today my car not only has random golf balls in it, but also khaki-colored sun hats that resemble those worn by beekeepers, an assortment of bandanas, those sunglasses that are only meant to be used as protective eyewear during a racquet sport, and dogeared paperback books of poetry.  Now I take these items for granted. Back then, a man's golf ball rolling out of my car would have prompted frenzied calls to my girlfriends: "He left a golf ball in the car. He just left it there. What does it mean? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Should I text him about it? I SHOULD, right? He's probably looking ALL OVER FOR IT." I wish I'd enjoyed my single days more and spent my free time reading or becoming a better photographer or something, and not worried so much about the meaning of golf balls. 
Because here's the thing: I was fine on my own, and so are you. But it can be hard when you feel ready for Happy Couplehood and you seem to have missed the train. As my friend Oliver Platt used to say to me about hopes and dreams I'd share with him: "It's coming, just not on your time frame." I find this a helpful reminder in any number of ways: not only when you're hoping to meet someone, but also when you're waiting for a better job or for some relief during a bleak time.  When Peter and I held hands that night all those years ago, I had no idea we'd end up shopping at REI together one day. It might have been nice if he could have turned to me and said: "Look, tonight isn't the time, but we're going to leave here and learn a bunch of things that are going to make this work approximately five years from now--see you then!" But life doesn't often spell things out for you or give you what you want exactly when you want it, otherwise it wouldn't be called life, it would be called vending machine. 
It's hard to say exactly when it will happen, and it's true that whatever you're after may not drop down the moment you spend all your quarters, but someday soon a train is coming. In fact, it may already be on the way. You just don't know it yet.
I felt like Lauren wrote that to me personally. Love her as Lorelei Gilmore and love her even more as Lauren Graham.

I think back to when I met Joey for the first time and then when I met him the second time which is when we started dating. I have never been able to figure out if it was months or even a year between our encounters. It does however along with what Lauren said, give me hope that my journey thus far has only been setting me up for my future journey. And that gives me a little sliver of hope that things will work out just as God intended.

a little bit of this and a little bit of that

How am I supposed to be a world famous blogger, if I don't blog at least a few times a week? I'm slacking. In my world though if I'm not blogging, that probably means shit is going OK.

It's tax season which means it's time to start redecorating. I've gotten into makeup a lot more over the last few months. I blame Snapchat. I started loving lipstick because the filters would give you different colors to "try" out and I noticed I kinda look like a rock star.

My friend Jessica's beauty room that she has at her house has also given me some inspiration.

Photo cred to Jessica M. 
My new obsessions are lipsticks (matte please), blush (that you can actually see I'm wearing), and highlighter. Still not a fan of anything to do with my eyes. Mostly because my hands shake like I'm coming off a five day crack bender so it's tough for me to put on eyeliner. (Side noteI just smashed two of my fingers in the filing cabinet at work. I wasn't sure if I was going to pass out or throw up from the pain. Either way, I doubt I'll be able to master that cat eye now.)

My first remodel was to do something with my black and gold room. When I moved in almost two years ago, I had a secretary desk that was my grandma's, a toy box from when I was a kid, and an IKEA bookshelf. On more than one occasion people have asked "what is this room for?" Shit, I don't know.

Secretary desk and toy box.

Toy box and IKEA bookshelf.
I wanted to be able to utilize this room more. Naturally, I turned to Facebook and found this amazing desk/vanity for only $190! I found this cute stool for $35 (Facebook find too). I got a vanity mirror (Target), and a few knickknacks (Hobby Lobby and Target) to sit on it. I went to Hobby Lobby and got all the cute stuff to hang above it.  The room feels a bit warmer now and I can sit and do my makeup in the morning.

I had a little bit of excitement on Sunday at my house. I went to leave at about 11:50 to run to Kroger. The door to the garage was open, so I walked out in the garage to see if I could see Jamison. I came back inside and got treats out because he'll come running inside if he hears the treats. He didn't come so naturally I figured he was back in the bedroom. I ran to Kroger and came home. Jamison was not around which is not normal because he's always with me. He likes to help me do everything. I started looking around for him and couldn't find him. My thought was that he was in the garage when I left for Kroger and now he's outside. I went out back and called his name.  No Jamison. I walked around the block. I went back inside and looked in every drawer, box spring, and cabinet. I got out plates for their wet cat food because he goes crazy when it's time to eat. I had the screen door open and was rubbing the plates together so he could hear me. No Jamison. I texted my mom and she came over. She went through the house again including the stove, refrigerator, and freezer. No Jamison. We both started walking around the neighborhood calling his name and shaking bags of food and treats. No Jamison. After about 2.5-3 hours, I came inside and started cutting up potatoes for soup. I put food and water out back and on the front porch. My mom left around 3:00 I think and drove around the block before heading home. My dad and step-mom then came over and looked through the house some more. My dad even went out in the garage and looked inside my car. They left and still no Jamison. I decided to drive around the block down the main roads to make sure he had not been hit by a car. I showered and ate dinner. I kept checking the back door and front door for him. I called out his name. Shook the plates some more. At 7:00 (7 hours later), I hear scratching. I fly off the couch and go to the back door thinking he'll be standing there. Nope. I keep hearing scratching though. I open the door to the garage and this asshole comes running inside. I started crying. SO happy to see him. Then it dawned on me that he was inside my car. Not inside chilling in the front seat. But, up inside my car. Yes, the engine. Which means he was in the engine while I drove to Kroger and around the block. They say cats have nine lives. I called my mom, dad, and sister to tell them he was "home." He's lucky he's cute. Longest 7 hours ever! 

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Have you ever had a kid ask you the meaning of a word and you know what it means, but you just don't know how to describe it? I'm no stranger to Googling the most simplest words just so that I can see a simple, clear-cut explanation of what it means.

For instance. I'm sure we all know what purpose means. It could be defined several ways depending on the use. If used as a noun, it means the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. If used as a verb, it means have as one's intention or objective. 

What gives you purpose? What makes you roll over, turn off the alarm clock, push back the sheets, and roll out of bed? Is it your spouse? Kids? Pets? Work? School?

The purpose of going to work is to make money to pay bills and eat. What's the purpose of life though? What's the reason for which we live? Is my purpose to get up 5 days a week to go to work, be surrounded by people I don't necessarily enjoy, and do a job that I don't necessarily dislike or love? Is my purpose to clean my house every weekend and do laundry?

For a lot of people, my guess is that their purpose is their children. When your children get older and move out, do you find a new purpose?

I need to find a purpose for getting up everyday. I need to find things to look forward to in life. I need to laugh and have fun.

Again, I ask. What gives you purpose?

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

No One Knows Why Love Picks Some People and Not Others

Last night, I was watching The Holiday on Lifetime. There was a preview for a new movie with Meagan Goode. In the preview they said, "no one knows why love picks some people and not others." Uh, thanks, Lifetime. If that's not the most depressing thing I've heard.

Do I think that perhaps love is not in the cards for me? Absolutely. I think it often. I don't need to hear that love will find me when it's supposed to. Or, it'll happen when I least expect it. That's shit people say to make others feel better. It's like saying "everything happens for a reason" when something shitty happens. Those words might have worked when I was in my first year or two of being single. Not when I'm in my 11th year of being single. (No. I'm not exaggerating on the 11 years.)

You know those movies where the guy and girl fall in love and then one of them dies? It's the couples that have the greatest love, or they just met after years of searching. The first movie that comes to mind is A Walk to Remember. Mandy Moore and Chad Michael Murray (no relation to me) go to high school together.  Mandy is the nerd and Chad is the popular guy. They end up falling in love all while Mandy knows she's dying of cancer. Once Chad finds out, he stays with her to the end. In fact, they end up getting married.

I have thought that once I do find the love that I have been so desperately seeking, that maybe my time will be cut short by one of us dying like Mandy and Chad's.  Until recently, it had not dawned on me that this already happened to me. No, seriously. I just had this revelation within the past month or so. I have been meaning to blog about it, but it is a bit morbid. (This is the shit that runs through my mind.)  Maybe Joey was my one love and our time was cut short because he was sick. I realize him and I were not officially boyfriend and girlfriend when he passed away. However, he was my best friend and I will always carry him in my heart.

I just pray that if God does bring love into my life again, that I can enjoy it for years to come. I feel like all this waiting may lead me to something great and I don't want it taken away.

I will say this though. Dear Lifetime: I don't accept that love does not pick everyone. You're an asshole for saying that.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Over Sensitive Ass

I so wish I was one of those people that could just brush shit off. I'm very sensitive and take everything personal. Here's a great article that talks about habits of highly sensitive people. This article explains me better than I could probably explain myself.

Being emotionally reactive is definitely something I don't like about myself. I can go from 1 to 100 in an instant all while telling myself it's not that serious. Telling myself to calm down, to not take things personally, and asking why I am so sensitive does not help at all. Deep breaths, Rachel.

I like to think that I am good at reading people. I definitely don't give respect to many and I adore few. I wish I would have kept a journal over the years where I work of all the times my requests or questions went unanswered. I would and still do to this day get physically upset at my emails going unanswered. I cannot handle being ignored. I am not talking about maybe a day or two. I'm talking unanswered forever. This caused me to lose respect for some (among other reasons). What's that quote - "It's not the job that people leave, it's the management." I have worked at 5 law firms and I can honestly say that I left 2 of those law firms because of management.

I could give a million examples of shit that has gone on, but what prompted this blog was the issue of our Christmas party. Over the years, we have gone out for our Christmas party. We have also had a Christmas party here at the office. The last couple of years, I was not able to go because I worked a second job. The one year, the party started at 8:00. I got off work at 8:00 and was not going to go to a party after working 12.5 hours. Last year, the party was on a night I worked as well. I thought it was odd that an office our size (three support staff and three attorneys) never coordinated a date for the party. But, I have to say, I didn't mind having to work. Life is too short to spend an evening with people who you just don't enjoy their company.

I thought it was odd that it's the second week in December and an email has not been sent yet about the Christmas party. I thought I had heard that one of the attorneys was going out of town, so I presumed that we wouldn't be having a party. However, I thought it would be common fucking courtesy that an email be sent explaining that because this attorney was going out of town (or for whatever reason), the office was not having a Christmas party this year. Like I said before, I've been here 6 years and there's always been a party.  Well today, I got my "courtesy" email. I was told that the receptionist would be taken to lunch and it would be ideal for me to grab the phones for a half hour and listen for clients. This email was sent less than 3 hours before this lunch was going to happen. Naturally, if I wasn't able to help out, the phones would be shut off and the office locked. After 6 years, this is how the Christmas party is going to play out? Mmm. OK.

I realize my attitude towards people at work is pretty shitty. It's warranted I feel. I've distanced myself from the others in this office due to them caring about themselves only and due to people not being mindful of others around them. You ever see those movies where a kid is bullied, but the teachers never see it? Then, in the middle of the hallway one day, the bullied snaps and hauls off and kicks the bully's ass? Of course every teacher, counselor, and even the principal see it. That's how I feel. I'm treated like shit and yet when I lose my cool (or refuse to be a team player) because as stated above, I'm highly sensitive and take shit too personally, then I look like the crazy one losing my shit.

Any tools you use for not letting things get to you? How do you cope with not being able to brush things off? Or, how are you able to brush things off? I'm open to suggestions.

Monday, December 12, 2016

To My 18 Year Old Self

I remember when International Business College came to my high school and talked about their programs in hopes to recruit students. I have no idea what drew me in to wanting to be a Paralegal. Wouldn't it be nice to go back and give your 18 year old self advice on choosing a career? My advice would be: 1. Depending on your personality, choose a career that either allows you to work with people, or that allows you to work alone. 3. Is there a demand for your job? 4. Research the average income for your job and especially within the area you'll be living.  5. Most importantly, choose something that you know you can live with every single day.

I remember back in high school (which I've recently calculated was 18 years ago), I swore I was going to move to Chicago, become a judge, and live in the condos on the lake. Along the way, I lost that ambition. Maybe reality set in and I just realized that I'd have to go to law school (I never wanted to do) which would be more student loans. Plus, the cost of living in Chicago is ridiculous not to mention the cost to live on the lake.

I know I'm not alone when I say come Sunday evening, I could break out in tears at the thought of having to go back to work on Monday. I don't know that I necessarily dislike my job, but I don't love it either. When I was little, I wanted to be a teacher.  At one time, I was obsessed with killer whales and wanted to be a marine biologist, or a trainer at Sea World. 

If I had to pick my dream job now, I would be a professional organizer or a writer. Not a book writer. I'd be a blogger or columnist for an online site. I would definitely be my own boss and have the ability to work from home. 

I know it's life and we have to work (accept for those few asshats that don't). It's just unfortunate that so much of our lives is spent doing something we don't like. In my case I struggle more with spending so much of my time with people I don't like. 

am 37 years old so I've got a good 28 years or so left to work. Unless of course, I meet a rich man and then don't have to work. 

Can I be a paralegal another 28 years?

Monday, December 5, 2016

be mindful

Almost two years ago, I discovered The Untethered Soul. This book introduced me to mindfulness. A few weeks ago, I picked up Calming Your Anxious Mind: How Mindfulness and Compassion Can Free You From Anxiety. I'm hoping this book can help me with the meditation process. I'll keep you posted on that. The first time I tried it, I wasn't a fan.

When my mind is going a million miles a minute, I try to remind myself to mindful of what I'm thinking about and dial it back in. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does along with taking a deep breath. I really want to work on being mindful of the present. I am always so focused on the next minute and the next day, that I don't think I am ever really present in the moment.

A while ago, I got happiness and gratitude tattooed on my arm as a reminder to be grateful everyday and that happiness is not a destination, but a journey. Over the weekend, I got an arrow tattooed on my arm with the saying "be mindful." Hopefully, this will be a great reminder for me as well.

Check it out...(Sorry for the glare. It's got a saran wrap type cover on it.)

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Free Legal Advice

I've always said the reason I started my blog is because no one would believe the stories I have about dating. Plus, I can't possibly remember them all. 

I've definitely done my fair share of online dating. None of which has ever worked out for me. I'm not on any dating sites now. Off and on, I'll get on Tinder and just see who pops up. Other than that, I've gotten away from any online dating.

Last month I was messaging this guy back and forth.  Here's our conversation (I'm the blue color and he's the gray):

I knew his comment about me being his lawyer was an attempt at flirting which you can see I didn't play in to. People seriously have no shame. Asking a complete fucking stranger who just happens to be a Paralegal how to go about filing for bankruptcy was lame.  Perhaps something happened that has put him into a position to have to file bankruptcy. i.e. divorce, medical bills. So, I do hate to jump to conclusions that he simply just can't keep his shit together. But, either way, you don't ask someone to point you in the right direction after having only spoken to them for all of two minutes. Shortly after this conversation happened, I think we moved onto how many kids each of us has. His response to me not having any was something to the effect of, "It's just not realistic to think that anyone can be in a relationship and not have kids." And, I'm done.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Back to School

Today's Google search: "dreaming about being lost in school."

Does anyone else dream about being back in school? Mine have been frequent lately. Without fail, I'm always lost. The school is ginormous and the hallways are endless with numbers that don't seem to go in sequence. The last dream I had similar to this, I was trying to find lunch with Khloe Kardashian. Last night, I couldn't find my class after leaving to go to the bathroom and I had left my backpack at my desk. There were two girls that I went to high school with in this dream. There was also a salesman that I worked with at Don Ayres in this dream. The one girl liked the boy from Don Ayres and he liked her too. But, I was certain that if she'd get out of the way, he'd like me. HA!

In my Google search I found that dreaming about being back in school is actually very common. Here's one article I found about Dream Interpretation. It said:
Dreaming Lens:  How do you feel about being back in this time period?  Are you experiencing anxiety or nostalgia for days gone by?  Are you experiencing yourself as noticed or invisible; stuck or safe?  Are you with present-day friends, or your high school circle?
Personal Focus:  The primary symbolic meaning for this image is deeply connected to your own personal experience of this period in your life.  In a general sense, high school is where most of us learned life lessons of responsibility, sexual identity as well as where we built the foundation for the directions we took as grownups.  However, the overall experience of this turbulent time varies from person to person and can range from fun and joyous to excruciatingly painful.  When you dream of high school in a dream, your unconscious is expressing emotional issues that have their root at this time in your history.
As a common dream, most people experience this related to performance anxiety.  High school represents the first time as individuals that most people are faced with a level of responsibility that is most like what we deal with in the adult world.  When our current lives spark insecurity about our readiness to face life’s tests, we may express unconscious fears by returning unprepared to this time and suffer the humiliation of being lost, not knowing the schedule, not being ready for an exam, or even finding ourselves naked.
The lessons faced in adolescence were, for some, accompanied by mistakes being cleared up for us by parents or other authority figures.  As such, this dream image could indicate an unconscious wish to have the burden of adult responsibilities magically disappear as if someone else could handle them for us.  If the dream is uncomfortable, look to present stressors that may feel burdensome in the same way you felt as a teenager.  The pressure to perform at certain levels is a major theme of the high school experience.  This may be revealing issues of performance anxiety in your current life.  Inherent in this image is the fear of facing the expectations that others may have of you.  Examine your current life for issues of this nature and you will be well on your way to an accurate interpretation.
Here's another good one about being back at school.

Stress Dream: Back at School and Can’t Find Your Class or Locker

To be fair, there are tons of variations of the back-at-school dream, so I conducted a poll on my Facebook fan page to find out which variation is the most common. Not being able to find your class or locker came in at number one. Almost all back-at-school dreams can be connected to job stress; however, the one where you can’t find your class or locker is more specifically connected to the stress of not being where you feel you should be in your career or job. Your locker is your place at school because it is designated for just you, and your class is where you need to be and show up on time. When you can't find your locker or your class in a dream, it's a good indication you are feeling uncertain of your place at work or even uncertain of your career choice. In these dreams we tend to feel the pressure of finding our locker and getting to our class before the bell rings. That’s the slippery element of time showing up in our dreams again, which suggests we feel time is running out on us in real life, and we need to get ourselves where we need to be in the career department before it’s too late.  
These could not be more spot on. While I like my job, I do not feel secure. Why? Because I have not had insurance since 2009. It is not offered where I work and is simply too expensive for me to obtain on my own. Also, I am no where near where I think I should be salary wise. I continue to look for employment, but it is really hard to find a place that offers everything I believe I am worth.

In the second article it says "In these dreams we tend to feel the pressure of finding our locker and getting to our class before the bell rings. That's the slippery element of time showing up in our dreams again, which suggests we feel time is running out on us in real life, and we need to get ourselves where we need to be in the career department before it's too late."

I don't know that I think it's too late for me to get where I need to be in my career. I almost feel like I am right where I need to be to finally start making what I am worth. However, I do find the time element true in my love life. When I think that I will be 40 in three years, it does scare me that I have not found someone to share my life with.

I will say that every article I read said that dreaming about being lost relates to having anxiety in your life. As if I needed my subconscious to tell me that.

Anyone else have reoccurring dreams and looked up their meaning?

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal.

In January, I started taking boxing classes with a trainer. I have wanted to do boxing for as long as I can remember. I don't think most people took me seriously. I am the epitome of laziness. After boxing for roughly five months, I decided that I wanted to get to the gym more than just one day a week. I needed to get stronger. Now, my plan is to go to the gym every night after work. There are weeks where I go four nights and there are weeks I only go two nights. Usually, those slacker weeks are because I've started my period. Now that I have been going more, I absolutely love it. Yes, there are days I go and I really don't want to be there. One thing is for sure. You never regret going to the gym.

When I first started going, I noticed this stair stepper that I said on multiple occasions you could not pay to do. Check out this monstrosity of a machine.

I could tell when I was boxing, my arms were getting stronger from lifting weights. Now my legs clearly needed some work. Just walking on the treadmill was not cutting it. I tried a few leg machines, but a few of them killed my knee. One day, I finally decided to try the death trap/stair stepper. The first day, I told myself I would do just 5 minutes. I knew I wouldn't be able to do more than that. I was right, because I lasted 3 minutes. I was still proud of myself for trying something new. Everyday, I added a minute. I hit my goal of 10 minutes. Which by the way, is roughly 300 steps. I talked with my trainer and asked if I should increase the speed, or the minutes. She said minutes -- get to 20 minutes she said. Last week, I increased a minute each day. Since I slacked last week, I only got up to 12 minutes. Monday, I went and my plan was to do 13 minutes. For some reason, I kept going and I hit my goal of 20 minutes! I couldn't believe it. I did it again yesterday (615 steps!).

When I left the gym on Monday, I was so proud of myself and happy that I had reached what at one time I thought was an impossible goal.

Yesterday, I read this on Facebook...

While I am patting myself on the back for my accomplishments in the gym, I find comfort in reading that if I continue to set goals, it will become a source of happiness for me. My blog after all is called Happiness is not a destination, but a journey. While shopping for things such as clothes, purses, jewelry, and now my new found obsession lip stick/gloss does make me happy, it's short lived. Finding happiness in people just hasn't worked for me over the years.

My new goal is to increase my speed on the stair stepper and get back to 20 minutes.

What goals do you have?

Saturday, September 24, 2016


Earlier this week I had another one of my dreams about Joey. I just went back and read through my blogs to see how often I've talked about this. I think the first post I found I was in 2011.

Yesterday, I attended a showing for a young man who lost his life to CFRD (CF Related Diabetes). I had met his dad years ago when doing the Great Strides Walk. When I got to the showing, two of the woman from the CF office in Indy were just leaving. How great of them to drive up for the showing? We got to talking and I told them I had a reoccurring dream about Joey. They said I should try to figure out what it means. I've always told myself that even though the reoccurring dream is not necessarily a happy one, at least I get to see Joey every so often in my dreams. But, the more I've been thinking about it over the last few days, the more it's been bothering me. If I haven't mentioned it before, or if you haven't read about it before, the dream is always the same concept. I somehow come to find out that Joey is alive (and I'm not sure that's even the right word). He's always very sick. He either won't answer my calls or texts and when I try to see him he blows me off. I always have this deep desire to be with him, but he doesn't want to see me. The dream never has an ending. Never. 

I have no idea what this means. The only thing I can come up with is that perhaps I feel guilty for not being there more when he got really sick. While I was reading back through my blogs, I found one titled "Sleepless in Fort Wayne." I remember writing that from my computer desk in my apartment. Joey was really sick and was on a ventilator. In that blog I ask if he wonders why I'm not there. I had always tried to be there as often as I could. I don't think I feel guilty about not being there in his final days. I was there when he passed away. But, maybe my subconscious feels differently. If I wrote that blog years ago when he was still alive, maybe deep down I do feel bad for not being there more. I honestly don't know. 

I miss him so much today it hurts. It's so hard for me to cry because I'm truly afraid if I start, I won't be able to stop. 

I went back and looked through some old photos of us tonight and I can't look him in the eyes in the pictures. It hurts too much. When I look at the pictures, I feel both happiness and sadness. There is a lot of hurt for me in those photos. I see someone who I loved deeply, but also someone who I fought with often because he would prefer to be at the club than with me. Even though Joey and I were together, a lot of times, I still felt alone. Either because he was in the hospital, or because he was out at the club. I am a different person than I was 11 years ago when Joey and I were together. I don't remember ever not wanting to be with Joey because he was sick. We fought because he wanted to be out all the time. I just hope I never ever ever made him feel like I didn't want to be with him because he was sick. I also hope he knows that I loved him then and I love him now. If he ever felt like I wasn't there for him, I'm sorry. I did the best that I knew how then.